No More Eggshells

I find I'm having to remind myself to think of "is this ok", "would this upset him", etc.

It's so weird going from always questioning and walking on eggshells in my marriage to being separated and not having to and not caring what people thought and now having to get back to thinking of someone else and their feelings again. Though thankfully I no longer need to walk on eggshells because he wants me to be me. However I do hope that if I do something he doesn't like he won't just think through it logically and not say anything.

You May Make Me Believe It

He tells me I'm cute, beautiful, and gorgeous every day multiple times a day.

As someone who's fought securities all my life it's amazing to have someone who makes sure I know they think I'm beautiful daily.

It Was Worth The Wait

For once I have someone in my life that I can say makes me glad it never worked with anyone before. Why? Because they NEVER treated me this great.

Not Just Physical

Though holding hands, hugging, kissing and all other physical things is really great, and I adore all of that, you need more to have a good relationship with someone. We have that more. We can sit and talk. We can hang out with out friends and family. We can w orj together and still get work done. Now I'm not saying we may not be cuddling, holding hands, or kissing at some point during these other things but this is NOT what our relationship revolves around.
He was my best friend first and he'll continue to be my best friend during our relationship. I love the time spent with him no matter what we're doing.

Not A Knight

He's not a knight in shining armor, he's my geek in faded graphic tees. 😂
He's the one guy I've not caught myself worrying about if he was checking out other women or if he was flirting with someone else.
The one guy I feel I can trust to tell me the truth. Can I just say that's a refreshing feeling!
He was my best friend first and that makes this so much better.
Funny enough my only current concern other than him officially asking me out is if I'm worthy of someone who treats me so great....

Natural Blush

He loves one of the things that I'm most insecure about, my blushing. I blush easy. I blush at almost anything. No matter how much I hate when my face gets red he loves it and thinks it's adorable. He purposefully makes me blush becais e he loves it so much. Apparently he thinks it just adds to my beauty. He may be crazy but he calls me beautiful daily ❤

More Than A Promposal

I was talking with my No-Titles guy about actually having titles. I mean the more people that know the less point no titles is. At first I said he had to make it good; when he asked and the way he way he asked. After some time I thought about how great he treats me and how he's never treated me as anything less than a queen no matter how perfect or slobby I've looked and I decided so long as it wasn't via text or social media I really didn't care where or how and he should do this however he wants but soon. Lol. However he being who he is still is trying to come up with the way.
I sat there and was thinking this isn't some prom proposal it doesn't have to be fancy or have crazy thought put into it and then it hit me.. you're right this isn't a promposal this is more. This isn't some promise of one night spent together this is a promise of a commitment to each other for however long the relationship lasts. It's a promise to be faithful and honest, to communicate, etc.
So yes once again there's more to learn, discover, and realize no matter how old you are... and sometimes you're taught by someone younger than you.
Yeah, he's pretty great

What If...

He may not be what I've normally gone for but he's good for me. He's so good to me.

I may not like everything about him like his hair or his hat or the somewhat weird age gap, but really in the grand scheme does that matter? Will looks stick around? No. Will fashion change? Yes.

What's really going to matter? The way he treats me, the way we talk, our honesty, the way we make each other other laugh, the way we can spend time in a room together doing different things and not feel alone, etc.

For now we aren't a couple. Who knows maybe nothing major will come of this. Maybe it won't last. But I have a best friend in him no matter what and that is better. I'm not worried about what's going to happen months or years from now I just want to live and be happy right where I am.

It Balanced Out

Well I did the wrong thing again, like we humans often do. However this time the wrong thing made me realize 2 things. Now I won't say I learned from my mistake though I hope I did, but I will say I'm glad it brought some things to light. A what if is gone and a maybe has appeared.
This mistake caused some pain for multiple people however it brought clarity to multiple people as well. So it sucks but I guess it balances out.

The Endless Cycle Of Brokenness

Dear Innocent, Relationship Based, Never Bend the Rules and Never Been Broken Loves,
      I was you. I believed in relationships and true loves, I never went against the rules because I didn't want to hurt those around me, I had never felt the true breaking of a heart though I thought I had. I was innocent. I was unbroken. 
   Today I am cold and broken. Today I live as who I am regardless of who it hurts. Today I am not innocent.
   You see my heart was broken. Truly and utterly broken. I cried for relief and when it didn't come I wished for my death and then cried because I'd never wished for something so awful in all my life.
   He should have been that great love after that great misery but instead he became another part of my pain. He broke me. Then trying to hold on to what I thought I needed and what I thought I should have I continued to break myself.
   He broke me and as the cycle goes I'm sure I'll break another... it's cruel and not something I want to do, but the brokenness and the pain have changed me. The once warm and always loving woman isn't around anymore. Yes, I can love but only if the connection is there. If the connection isn't there I am cold and I use for whatever I need not intentionally. No matter how much I take in consideration their feelings I also don't. The thought of hurting someone the way I've been hurt makes me sick to my stomach and yet I can't stop because they supply a need. Though I warn them that I'm heartless and that there's no connection daily still I fear what pain I will cause them.

Family Without Ties

   With so many divorces and broken homes it's a shame that people have yet to figure out this simple concept. It really would make things better. It really would be better for your kid(s).
   So what is this concept? As I said it's simple. You can be a family without being together. You may hate the father/mother of your child(ren) as a partner, but that doesn't mean you can't learn to be friends after some time of healing.
    Take my marriage for example. We are not compatible as partners.  After getting separated and completely removing him from my life, online and otherwise, for 9 months that gave me time to heal, time to stop hating, time to grow. Now I can talk to him, I can add him on Facebook, we can go out to eat together with our son and have nice conversations like we were never able to do before.  My son can have family moments without us legally being a family.  It's important for kids to see mommy and daddy together getting along and that's what I want to provide for him. I'd never go back to his dad, but that doesn't mean I have to keep him completely out of my life either. I've found we get along a lot better now that we did before.

P.S. (I'm Still Not Over You)

   I'm over the real him, however, I am not over the guy I thought he was back then. I believe that he could be that man that I love, but I know that he isn't.  

   I'm not sure if he's always been that way or if something happened that turned him into who he is.

   The time I had with him both saved me and ruined me.



   I'll never look at Christmas lights, vehicles, laundromats, or plenty of other things the same ever again. Yes, those things always remind me of him.

   I'll always love who I thought he was. That's the part people have a problem with though; they can't separate who a person is with who they thought they were. You have to separate the two.

Can I Have Him Back?

   You know it's funny in the 27, almost 28, years of my life I can tell you there's only been 1 man I found myself extremely attracted to in a sexual way.
Not that I didn't find the others attractive or that I didn't want to be with them I simply didn't look at them and think "I have to have him now" 
He's the one guy currently that could drive me crazy just by looking at him, his body isn't skinny but isn't fat and he had those muscles that I enjoy so much, he could pick me up without any issue and I never feared when he did because I knew he was strong, I didn't have anything to fear when he was around...
Sad to say I can't have this man. He's taken now. I can tell you that it's all my fault that he isn't mine because I broke up with him. I could tell you if he left her today I'd try to get him back in a heartbeat. I can also tell you that at least 99% of the people that know me would be shocked to know that they guessed wrong at who it is.

You Can Do It

  While at work I remembered another good memory, different man, but still one who wronged me. Still I smiled.
It was December, I was having a wonderful time sitting in a car with this guy, talking, and looking at the Christmas lights at the park. (Truly one of the best times I've had with a guy that I was just getting to know) We spoke of a mutual friend and how if he was there he'd be saying, "YOU CAN DO IT" in true Rob Schneider fashion.
What reminded me of this moment was I told someone at work "You can do it" and the memory hit.. I couldn't help but smile and laugh.