Get It Right The First Time

   Now I don't want to make many posts like this these are the kinds of posts I used to do.. so bare with me as I give some necessary details. 

Trust me I'd much rather focus on Crafting or fixing things, but sometimes things need to be said by someone who has been there. If I can say something and help one person from making the same mistake it will be worth it to me. 

    An 8-9ish year story short... When I was 18 I met someone, fell in love with the idea of being in love and starting that new chapter in life, got married, was miserable, had a kid, still miserable, my then husband was emotionally/mentally/sexually abusive, wasn't so great to "our" kid either he could be physically abusive to him (not full on beating him but he spanked him hard enough to lift his feet up off the floor before he was a year old, not just once), he had a temper and threw things, he bought a bunch of stuff on Amazon even though we couldn't pay our bills on time and blamed me for going out to eat (You have to eat, you don't have to have that Xbox or Camera), caught him lying several times throughout the marriage, got separated which everyone thought was for me to heal.. My plan even before then was to get out of there and get a divorce. He wanted to screw me over in all the divorce stuff....

    I met him at church when I was 18 years old. He was active in bus ministry, was a wonderful worshiper, had good friends, faithful to church,... all the things a good christian girl would be looking for. This is where you get the whole "Don't judge a book by it's cover." Sometimes things look real and pretty and instead are fake and ugly. I ended up having sex before marriage; a no, no in the religion. After getting married we became less and less involved in church and after a while just started going maybe once a month. He was addicted to porn (another big no, no) and lied even when the proof was right in front of his face.. several times. I cried so much I thought I was going to cause myself a miscarriage from all the stress. At 27 years old I FINALLY filed for divorce.

   The only good things I got from that marriage was my son and all the life lessons. 

   You may ask, "Why did you stay so long?" I stayed because I was taught all my life that marriage is forever and you have to make it work, the church people would look down on me, my mother was begging me to stay so my son wouldn't have a broken home like she and I came from, I barely made any money working at a gas station and I knew I would not end up with full custody of my son since I couldn't afford to take care of him.

   I wish I would have reported him to the police the first time he ever spanked my son that hard. I wish I would have fought to take away his rights to my son. I wish I would have found a way to have left sooner. I wish I would have stopped listening to my mother sooner. 

   A child can feel the anger, tenseness, hatred, bitterness, etc. It's not good for a child to see a marriage and think "that's how marriage is supposed to be." When I finally figured all that out I was able to start planning to leave. 

   I say all of that to say this. Do not marry young, do not marry fast, do not judge them by the pretty packaging, do not be fooled by thinking you're in love when really you only love the idea of being in love, if people are asking you if you're sure and saying it's not too late then don't marry that person and if you are feeling nervous and having doubts do not chalk it up to "cold feet." 

   

    The day of my wedding Tom who was a family friend, more like family really, came up to me and told me it wasn't too late. I should have run right then and there, wedding dress and all. My mom had several times before the wedding told me the same thing. I had warning signs all over the place. I think God himself could have come down with a stop sign with my ex's face and I still would have married him.            Why? Because I was young and dumb. I thought I knew myself and what I wanted. I thought I knew him... Honestly had I really looked at the signs he gave off I really would have known the real him. 

One example from when we were dating: We go to Sonic HE hits the yellow pole but guess who gets yelled at and blamed. 

After we got married: We went to see my step-dad in a much larger more confusing town than we lived in I gave directions the whole way to the hospital, but I got lost on the directions to the parking garage. He gets out of the car and he starts yelling and throwing a fit in front of my mother and while people are walking by. In that moment I was holding back my tears, I felt smaller than an ant and all I could think was "I wish some big biker guy would come deck him" Of course that never happened.  

    I'm sure you've heard the saying, "What's Done In The Dark" one referring to scripture in Luke 12:2-3 but they also use it to point out that we don't don't know what's "done in the dark" in someone's life. 

If you see a person treating their spouse like crap and making them feel small right in front of you how much worse do you think it is at home when no one is watching? My step-brother had to leave the dining room table at my parents because I was being treated bad and he wanted to hit him. I can understand why with his wife and kids there, but man I wish he would have laid him out flat. 

   I prayed a lot of prayers hoping he would change. Then my prayers became let him hit me or cheat on me. By the end I hated him so much I prayed "Let him hit me, cheat on me or die. I don't care which." that was a daily prayer and after years of praying with nothing happening I became very bitter at God and him.  I once was praying while I was at work and I heard "Get a divorce" I told my mom and she said oh no God wouldn't want that, but honestly I think he did. I was never supposed to marry him, I was being treated bad, ... why would God want me to stay in that situation? 

    Wait to marry someone. Wait until you really know them; you've seen them have a car accident (or something as equally frustrating), you've seen them around their family (Are they fighting with the family members? If yes, RUN! That's a sign of a narcissist), you've seen how they are with their money (Always pay your bills first, put some money in savings and then if you have some money left over you can get yourself a little something),...

    I have PTSD from that marriage and I've always had depression and anxiety. I'm remarried now though. My life is so much better. My husband is nothing like my ex was. My husband is very understanding when I'm dealing with PTSD/Depression/Anxiety. When I breakdown he's there to hold me and tell me it's okay and that I'm not alone. With him I built my life back up and I have things I never thought I'd have again; like a nice vehicle, a house (that we bought), more time with my son,... I still sit in my seat sometimes and think "is this real" 

   It's better to wait longer and know than to rush into it and end up where I was. The wait is worth it I promise. 

I wish you all a happy, love filled life with a spouse that is understanding on even your worst days.