Work: Something New

Well I'll be learning something new at work soon. It's a good thing too. To many memories with him there. Oh look there is where we passed notes And made plans, there's where he hugged Me, there's where he grabbed my butt, oh he passed me there and we made sure we touched when we did, that's where he stood to say hi then walked away and stopped and looked back at me, etc. At least in a different operator area I will have a place (more than likely) that we didn't make memories... unless it's somewhere we deep cleaned and stopped to talk then I'm just fuckin screwed.
Why... why the fuck did you do this to me?

Even Still...

   Even after all he's put me through if he came back with some time and lots of proving I'd give him One. Last. Chance. 
There'd be rules such as it would have to be a real relationship, no lies, no cheating, he'd have to add me on ALL his social media and put that he's in a relationship with me on ALL of them, cannot be living with his ex or any other woman besides me (Boy is confused enough), etc. 
   He'd have to prove I could trust him. He'd have to have some tough conversations with me about what he's put me through. Read my blog and attempt to feel how I felt when I was writing the posts. He'd have to witness me crying because we all know I would cry. He'd have to learn the truth about how I feel about him....

I could see him coming back... I can't see him being able to do what needs to be done....

Thinking Of You

So I was going to go to sleep hours ago, but I just can't.



   I don't even want to sleep in my own bed because it's a reminder that I'm alone. It's a reminder that he's not there. Not that we ever spent the night together, but we did lay on the bed together. It's a reminder of the time we spent there, a reminder of the conversations we had there. A reminder that that's where I was woken up with the snap that said I was wasting my time... I haven't slept in my bed since. None of this did I realize until just now.

   When I do sleep I'm sleeping on my sofa... not exactly comfortable, but at least the tv is there for a distraction. Maybe if the bedroom had a tv I might be able to sleep there. I'll have to buy one and test that theory. Of course if we're honest the sofa has memories of him too.. and the kitchen. Is what it is. Maybe I should sleep in the damn laundry room he didn't go in there!

   He's everywhere. He's at work, he's at home, he's in my car, he's in my phone,... he's in my fucking head.

   Katy Perry "Cause when I'm with him I'm thinking of you..."

....

Daughtry - Waiting For Superman (Lyric)

A friend just sent this to me. Only those who know who just broke my heart will understand how perfect this song is. No, this friend doesn't know.

See the guy who broke my heart loves Superman and one of the first times we spent any time alone outside of work he picked me up.. totally a surprise to me.. and the last time we spent time together he picked me up. He can be my Superman any day...

Why Are Tattoos Therapy?

I had made a post about getting Ink Therapy and how I had my day, time and artist all set up.
Yes, I'm getting some new ink <3
Anyways, someone asked if the therapy was getting a new tattoo. This was my response.
"Well more than one tattoo but yes that's the therapy. A controlled "pain" after all the pain I had that I couldn't control. A pain that leaves behind something beautiful. Not that I think getting a tattoo is painful more like a discomfort."

In my opinion that perfectly sums up why getting a tattoo can be therapy. When we deal with the uncontrollable pains in life there's not always something beautiful left in the end, but with a tattoo every bit of discomfort or pain is one step closer to something beautiful. It's a mark that can tell a story. It's something we control, which is nice because how often in life are we truly in control?  

My Therapy

This, if you can't tell, is my therapy.
Writing is one of my outs.
It helps me get out how I feel.
It helps me sort through things
It takes everything I have bottled up and throws it out into the universe

My other forms of therapy are
Video Games (because what's not therapeutic about shooting things?), Walking,
Running,
Yoga,
 and getting tattoos.

Writing, however, I believe helps the most.
You can only run for so long,
you can only walk so far,
you can only be calmed by yoga for so long
eventually video games end,
and eventually you run out of room on your body
but writing; writing you can do forever.
Different feelings, different subjects, different outlooks.
It changes day by day.
So I write and I throw it our there for everybody or nobody or just myself so long as it gets out there.
Maybe just maybe my words will help someone else or at the very least let them know they aren't alone.

4 Months

4 months you told me "I really like you"
4 months you said you also got the feeling that "we belong together" Those were your words not mine. Remember my heart was still guarded at the time.
4 months you'd grab my waist, randomly touched me, and hugged me at work. Not to mention the times you touched my ass.
4 months you asked me "You ok?"
4 months you were my strength and provider of happiness at work and sometimes outside of work
And for 4 months you played this back and forth game between her and I.
I can't do it anymore.
I can't keep letting you break my heart and then say that you care
I can't keep putting my time and love into something that isn't going to go anywhere
No matter how much I want more I can't make you let her go like you should
So that means I have to let you go and it hurts like hell, but I've done it before and I can do it again.

I Could See It...

I wanted you
I wanted you more than anything
I would have done anything for you in time
I could picture it
I could see us
I could see us hanging out, getting to know each other
I could see it finally becoming a relationship
I could see us hanging out as a "family" with our kids
I could see us spending the nights together
I could see us getting a place together
I could see us growing together
One day I could see me meeting your family and you meeting mine
I could see you propose
Then a while, but not to much longer, us getting married and officially becoming a family.
I could see the possibility of us having a baby together
I could see it all...

                                      And now its gone. 

Maybe...

Maybe I read into everything; good or bad.
Maybe I catch feelings too fast
Maybe I give to much away
Maybe I sometimes hold to much back
Maybe I rush into things
Maybe I'm slow to rush into what you want me to
Maybe I love too much
Maybe I reserve myself to little

But I was all about you.
When you're who I have my eyes on there's no one else.
No competing, no cheating, no lies, no games.. just you and me.
The rest of the world fades into the background because you become everything.
All that matters at that point is you, me and our kids.

All Our Ways

The way we talked
The way you held me
The way you picked me up
The way you kissed me
The way we played
...
All the ways we did things tell me there was more than what you say....

My Weakness

I can't get passed a thought I had a week or two ago. "You know the bad thing about allowing someone to be your strength? If they're around long enough one day they'll become your weakness."
   Now he wouldn't know this because I never told him, but one day I had to get in the freezer at work. Cake up on the "catwalk" got messed up so I had to go up. I'm a bit scared of heights, but I went up and fixed the problem with the help of J Mac, but when it came time to go back  down I was terrified. Everything in me wanted to ask J to go get him because I was terrified. I mean I didn't want him to hold my ass as I climbed down. I just wanted him there to talk me through it because I knew he could calm me, but we were at work and I can't just pull someone from their area because I'm terrified so I climbed down with the somewhat guidance of J.  I was SO happy when my feet touched the floor! My first thought was how I wanted to run and tell him what just happened and how much I wanted him there to help me, but I didn't go tell him.... Some part of me wants to say "if he knew how much he meant maybe he would have picked me" but that's just wishful thinking. Funny how the mind does that. "Had I just____", "Maybe if I'd _____" No, sorry this was the choice either way.
  On the last day he worked there well not his last day but the last one he was talking to me I was having a really tough day. So I took my cardboard back to dispose of (normally someone else does this) which went right past where he was I did this simply in hopes to see him because being with him made my bad days better. I knew it would only be a minute or two that we'd get to talk, but it'd be enough.  Of course, he gave me the normal, "It'll be ok." I guess that's his thing "It'll be ok" (Well NEWS FLASH I'm not ok and it's your fault.) It didn't matter if it was simply getting to spend our break together which toward the end we were always trying to plan so we could be there together, him coming by the line just to say hi (And torture me) or just going by to see him for a minute he was my comfort and my strength on the good and the bad days.
  See when others couldn't tell he knew when something was wrong with me. He'd be the one to look at me and ask, "What's wrong?" Funny enough I can still see him saying it as if he was right in front of me. I loved the days he'd ask and hug me once I told him I swear I never wanted him to let go.
    I miss him. Not just at night when I'm lonely on my days off. Not just when I'm about to go to bed be it day or night. Not just when I'm at work and every damn thing reminds me of him. All the time. Middle of the night and middle of the day, lounging at home and running errands, cooking dinner and going out to eat, when I'm alone and when I'm with my kid,.. You name it I miss him.
    The couple times he came to my place I didn't want him to leave I swear I could have held him and kissed him forever. No matter where we were I was home in his arms and that was a feeling I thought I'd never have again. And now here I am to wonder again will I ever feel that way with someone else...
   Once you fall for someone it's hard to picture holding, kissing, being with anyone else and here I am... I don't want to be with anyone else (that's right not a single one. There's no crushes, no FWB, or anyone else that I've wanted), but I guess I don't have a choice because I wasn't his choice.
      
        I can't decide which hurts more...
A. He lied to me every single time we talked when he said he felt like we belonged together, how much he fought for me, how much he liked me, having a relationship, etc. just so he could use me
                               OR
B. He really did like me, want a relationship with me, etc. but still chose her instead.
        I mean really which one is worse?
Is it worse that he was a liar and a user the entire time  OR  that he chose his cheating ex over me even though he liked me?
Am I supposed to feel better about it one way or the other? Is "you were just a distraction" (still calling bullshit on that btw) supposed to make it easier?

          I don't know, I just don't know...

Turning Cold

Sometimes after your heart has been broken you just turn cold. It's not something you often plan, but sometimes it's the only way you can get by until some time has passed. After that time has passed then you're able to thaw and deal with the hurt and heartache. Until the time has passed feel free to be a bitch about it. Flip off every guy that's comes your way. I'm sure he's done something at some point to deserve it anyways.

Here You Go Doing Something Stupid

   I guess you (or her) Didn't like what I had to say. LOL. That's ok.
   See we all and I mean your friends, her, You, and myself know how this will end. You'll do something stupid.. ok you'll do another stupid thing thats even more stupid like get married, you'll fight all the time, and up hating each other, and get a divorce. That's about the time you'll remember you had someone who actually cared about you. Someone you didn't fight with. Someone who didn't stay mad at you. Someone who all they wanted was to be with you. But don't forget that means that time has passed and though I'm not out looking for someone. Someone may find me. I wasn't looking for you and what do you know.
   Don't worry I won't try to text, call, snap, message, Or whatever but if you come on here or look at my snap stories.. which you can no longer do because you blocked me LOL I'll be saying whatever I damn well please and it may be to/about you or her and that's my right. If you don't like it just don't look.

I Don't Believe You

   No, I don't believe everything you said. I believe you do care about me. When you're around me and away from her you're a better person. You don't have the conversations we've had with someone you don't care about. You don't say you feel like you belong with someone that you don't care about. Here's me calling bullshit!
   Do you know what will fuck a person over more than anything else? The past. "Well it used to be", "he/she used to be", etc... fuck you over every single time. You're to busy holding on to what was once there that you're willing to ignore what's it I now. Trust me I know I've been there. 
   I broke my own heart so many times waiting for someone to love me the way I loved them.
    Don't tell me she cheated this many times but she loves you.. uh huh that ain't love. All that fighting you do, that ain't love. The comments you've made about her, that ain't love.
    I'd bet (And win) she's better in bed. Being with as many people as she's been with that's a given. She's clearly not shy about it. I am. I take time. If you knew my whole history with it maybe you'd understand why. Sure that's a turn off, but I'm not always this way after I get fully comfortable around you, learn more about you. You once said relationships aren't all about sex. You're damn right.
    So No, I don't believe you don't care about me. I don't believe you never wanted anything from me....
   People like me we fall easy and we love hard. In case you don't get what I'm saying; you broke the heart of someone who loves you (me). Don't ask me how it's possible that I do, I can't explain that, but I do. You broke the heart of someone who would never cheat on you, wouldn't lie to you, wouldn't use you... And yes, someone who would have fought just as hard for you as you did me.
  As much as I don't  want to move again until I'm buying a house I would move into a bigger place to fit us all because it's be worth it just to be with someone I care about.
    What I've said won't make any difference even if you do happen to read this... But at least it's been said.
I'm sure there will be more later, after all this is my therapy.
  

I've Been Where You Are

Believe it or not, I've been where you are. I had a love. I loved him so much. I would have done anything for him. When he was near me I was home and when he had to leave me it was like having my heart ripped out. But you see I loved him, he didn't love me. He started too, but like you he couldn't let go of an ex.
   I spent months crying, being depressed, praying, hoping and waiting. One day I realized that I was waiting for something that would never happen. So what did I do? I did the hardest thing of all; I let go.
   How do you let go? When thoughts of him would creep up I'd force myself to remember what he'd done to me, how he treated me, how he hurt me, how he didn't love me. Whenever the old him would come to mind I'd force myself to remember that isn't who he is, I'd send some love for who he was and what could have been and then I'd put my mind on something else. I forced myself to relive the pain so I could let go because holding on wasn't healthy. It hurt like hell, but it was necessary.
   Will you ever do what's necessary or will you continue to break your own heart?

Hidden Things In The Closet

   I've spent part of today cleaning. So much fun, right? As I was dealing with laundry I opened my closets to once again see a mess of things on the floor. That mess of things is pieces from 26 years of my life. 26 years!
    That's the 26 years that I put behind me. 26 years of going to church, 26 years of constantly living to please everyone else, my 7 year marriage, 26 years of depression and some of the junk I collected throughout that time.
   You see I'm ashamed to say that during my life my bedroom and my house they looked like my closets. They say that the cleanliness of your home reflects how you feel on the inside well for 26 years I was miserable and depressed. Now anyone who has been in my apartment can tell you that I keep it clean. Not to say there's never dishes in the sink, clutter on my end table, or maybe some clothes on my floor, but it's not what I would call unclean just a bit lived in. However despite all that cleanliness if someone were to open up my closets they'd see a mess. Do you see the parallel yet? My home just like my mind has closed off places (and so does yours). Places I don't want to deal with. I've been holding onto junk that represents a life I walked away from because it's to hard to go through it. In that stuff there's anger, bitterness, sadness, depression, oppression, that constant nagging that I've let people down, and a lot of darkness. Seeing that stuff today made me cry because all that junk holds memories, painful memories.
   I bagged up the church clothes and all the clutter of things clothes related that my ex-husband may have had anything to do with. Other than a few choice items I've gotten rid of my whole wardrobe and bought new.
    Cleaning out those "closets" in your mind (and in your home) takes time. Sometimes we forget we have them. It's a door you walk past several times a day, but it's not open so you just forget, but when you open that door and see the mess... emotions flood out of no where.
   There are past hurts and pain that will forever leave me insecure in some areas and because of it I've thrown those things in a closet and hoped to God I'd forget and that one day it'd just work itself out, but it won't. It's time to go through the clutter both in my closets in my room and the closets in my mind. It's a depressing place. It's a place that, I kid you not, I was working the drive thru window middle of winter and it didn't feel cold because at that point I was more of a cold hearted bitch than winter was. When I say that area of my life was dark I'm in no way joking. I HATED my now ex-husband, parents, church and God.  I hated my ex for how he treated me and because he wouldn't change. I hated my parents for not helping me out my marriage when they knew I was miserable. I hated the church because I knew how I'd be judged for how I felt and what I wanted to do. I hated God because he wouldn't answer my prayers. And I hated them all for how my decision was going to hurt them. I hated my ex so much that I prayed he'd either cheat, hit me, or die and I really didn't care which so long as it got me out of my marriage and kept people from judging me.. yeah, I got dark. Then after the separation I had another devastating blow and for the first time in my life I could say I wanted to die. I pictured car accidents or whatever and I cried because how unlike me that was. I was scared of who I was becoming. But all that pain and all that fear forced me to do what I needed to do. As I said I'm happy now, not that I don't have some depressed days, but on average I'm quite happy... But going through this stuff hurts more than I can say.
   You may wonder how I got out of that depression and darkness, that's easy, love. Sometimes other people's love is the only thing that helps us learn to love ourselves and the only thing that helps us through those dark and difficult times. It's in these times that we find out who our true friends and family are. The love they showed me in my dark time is the reason I call them my Loves. Just like them I'm not scared to love people in their darkest time because 1. I love them 2. That's when they need it most and 3. At least there's no question what dark and depressing times looks like on them you don't know someone until you've seen them at their darkest...

Mind Altering Moment

   I'm a firm believer that your life can be changed in a moment. That in one second you're sitting there thinking one thing and the next you're mind has been altered. I however failed to realize that it was going to happen to me.
   One moment I'm thinking of how I feel and the next it hits me that I feel more than I thought. It was in a moment, in a middle of a conversation and suddenly I realized this was something I don't want to lose, something I don't want to live without, something I would gladly wait for, something I would put off my own wants and needs for because I need this.    
   This need is a feeling that I can't explain. A feeling I ignored and pushed away for a while out of hurt. A hurt I never really admitted too. How do you explain such a pull that you've never felt before? How do you explain knowing something could work and could be amazing though you've never experienced it before? How could I possibly know that? I sound CRAZY, right?! I get that! But I can't deny that feeling. (Insert the "cheese" Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore) It's an intense feeling... overwhelming...
   It's going to take some waiting, which I understand, don't like, but understand. Being impatient as I am I'll HAVE to find a way to wait, but for once, I'm ok with that...

Let me know..

Let me know when your life changes.
I BET you won't prove me wrong.
But for once I wish you would.

Camping

    Last time I'd been camping I was around 10 years old.... that's been a while back. I'd been begging to go camping, but I could never talk my husband into it. I'd hear, "I've never been camping" Well guess what now's a good time to start.
   Well now that I'm separated and have the freedom to do as I please my girl friends and I planned a camping trip. We went to France Park and had a great time!

Don't ever try to say girls can't camp.. I mean, yeah, some girls can't, but we aren't those girls.

   It was so great to get away for a few days and just be outside in nature, where time has no meaning, where it was girl time all the time, campfire, relaxation, laughs, walking, etc.
   I mean sure it wasn't always perfect, but it's something we all needed. We needed to escape our realities and responsibilities for a little while. We needed to vent and drink. We needed to laugh and relax. We needed no expectations.
    I plan to buy my own camping stuff and go more often. This woman needs more camping in her life!  

Goals

   After my separation I started a list of Goals. Its been around 7 months and I've marked off quite a few and added quite a few more. I made myself a promise to make 2017 my bitch and I think I'm doing pretty well.
   I wish I could do more than I have, but hey I'm an adult and a mom. I have bills to pay and a kid to spend time with. I may not do everything this year that I'd hoped to do, but I've already done more than I did in my 7 years of marriage so either way I'm winning.
   With my new job and promotion + my soon to be pay increases I should be able to mark more off the list faster and I'm SO excited! Horseback riding, a short vacation, getting my gun permit + more guns, buying things to replace things I had when married (don't want that baggage around), finalizing my divorce!!!!!! (only 2 weeks left), getting a good savings up, buying a house, getting a Husky, more tattoos, more traveling, etc. Some of these things are going to take some time, like possibly years, but others give me a few months and some saved cash and I'll be able to do them no problem! I love the freedom this separation has brought me, it's going to take someone pretty damn special to make me want to go back to what I'll call a full-time relationship (aka living together, sharing bank accounts, etc.)