My Weakness

I can't get passed a thought I had a week or two ago. "You know the bad thing about allowing someone to be your strength? If they're around long enough one day they'll become your weakness."
   Now he wouldn't know this because I never told him, but one day I had to get in the freezer at work. Cake up on the "catwalk" got messed up so I had to go up. I'm a bit scared of heights, but I went up and fixed the problem with the help of J Mac, but when it came time to go back  down I was terrified. Everything in me wanted to ask J to go get him because I was terrified. I mean I didn't want him to hold my ass as I climbed down. I just wanted him there to talk me through it because I knew he could calm me, but we were at work and I can't just pull someone from their area because I'm terrified so I climbed down with the somewhat guidance of J.  I was SO happy when my feet touched the floor! My first thought was how I wanted to run and tell him what just happened and how much I wanted him there to help me, but I didn't go tell him.... Some part of me wants to say "if he knew how much he meant maybe he would have picked me" but that's just wishful thinking. Funny how the mind does that. "Had I just____", "Maybe if I'd _____" No, sorry this was the choice either way.
  On the last day he worked there well not his last day but the last one he was talking to me I was having a really tough day. So I took my cardboard back to dispose of (normally someone else does this) which went right past where he was I did this simply in hopes to see him because being with him made my bad days better. I knew it would only be a minute or two that we'd get to talk, but it'd be enough.  Of course, he gave me the normal, "It'll be ok." I guess that's his thing "It'll be ok" (Well NEWS FLASH I'm not ok and it's your fault.) It didn't matter if it was simply getting to spend our break together which toward the end we were always trying to plan so we could be there together, him coming by the line just to say hi (And torture me) or just going by to see him for a minute he was my comfort and my strength on the good and the bad days.
  See when others couldn't tell he knew when something was wrong with me. He'd be the one to look at me and ask, "What's wrong?" Funny enough I can still see him saying it as if he was right in front of me. I loved the days he'd ask and hug me once I told him I swear I never wanted him to let go.
    I miss him. Not just at night when I'm lonely on my days off. Not just when I'm about to go to bed be it day or night. Not just when I'm at work and every damn thing reminds me of him. All the time. Middle of the night and middle of the day, lounging at home and running errands, cooking dinner and going out to eat, when I'm alone and when I'm with my kid,.. You name it I miss him.
    The couple times he came to my place I didn't want him to leave I swear I could have held him and kissed him forever. No matter where we were I was home in his arms and that was a feeling I thought I'd never have again. And now here I am to wonder again will I ever feel that way with someone else...
   Once you fall for someone it's hard to picture holding, kissing, being with anyone else and here I am... I don't want to be with anyone else (that's right not a single one. There's no crushes, no FWB, or anyone else that I've wanted), but I guess I don't have a choice because I wasn't his choice.
      
        I can't decide which hurts more...
A. He lied to me every single time we talked when he said he felt like we belonged together, how much he fought for me, how much he liked me, having a relationship, etc. just so he could use me
                               OR
B. He really did like me, want a relationship with me, etc. but still chose her instead.
        I mean really which one is worse?
Is it worse that he was a liar and a user the entire time  OR  that he chose his cheating ex over me even though he liked me?
Am I supposed to feel better about it one way or the other? Is "you were just a distraction" (still calling bullshit on that btw) supposed to make it easier?

          I don't know, I just don't know...