I Want My Child To Like Me Best

   If you've ever had to share your kid with an ex you can completely understand wanting your kid to like you more. You aren't hoping they'll hate their other parent, but you just want to be their favorite. You want to be the parent they want to go to when they're scared, hurt, or sad. You want to be the one they run to when they have exciting news. You want to be their hardest goodbye and their greatest hello. 

   

The hard part is if you're the parent who acts like a real parent, the one who makes them do schoolwork, clean their room, do chores, say things correctly, act properly, etc. you typically won't be the favorite parent, at least not while the child is young. No, you'll have to wait and watch as they mature and as they one day become a parent themselves; then all of a sudden they'll understand what you were doing for them. Then they will appreciate you. 

   Most kids want to live with the "fun" parent. Who wants to live with someone who has rules? That's the scary part. I won't change the way I parent to make my child want to live with me. I won't be less of a parent and make them less of a person for the title of my house being "home" I will make my child do their schoolwork, I will make them clean their room, they will have chores, they will be respectful, they will be helpful, they will be kind, they will be spanked; because I'm raising someone who will one day be an adult and I don't want my child turning out like the trainwreck adults I see around me now. We don't need more "Karens," "Daves", or "Kyles." 

   Sometimes I find myself looking at something my son would love and I think man I should buy that for him and just give it to him for no reason, but then I feel like I'm trying to "buy his love" and you can't buy love. I don't want to "cheat" to be the favorite. I want to be the one he likes most because of who I am and the relationship we have not because I buy him things and let him do whatever he wants. I am Mommy first and friend second. I will be here for the good, the bad, and the ugly because he is my child no matter what.  But boy oh boy do I wish I could be and know that I was his favorite!

             Happy parenting! "May the odds be ever in your favor"

Christmas Spread Sheet

   This year I decided it would be a good idea to make a spreadsheet for Christmas. I believe it's a good idea so I thought I'd throw the idea out there for everyone. It has everyone's names that we'll be buying gifts for, what we plan to get them, and the names and addresses of those we'll be sending cards. Looks something like this:

Christmas

Mom -  Homemade blanket                                          Cards 

Momish -  Pioneer Woman                                                             Carol & Mike LastName

Mike -        Gift Card                                                                      Street Address                

Dadish -   Tools                                                                               City/State/Zip

...

This is all just an example, of course. Just like in a normal Spreadsheet mine has all the appropriate borders to keep everything neat and organized. We're still figuring out what we're getting everyone so what it says is probably not what they'll get. 

I hope this idea might help someone be a bit more organized this Christmas.

     

Personal Blanket Project

    We are just shy of 4 months before Christmas is here. I don't know about you, but I tend to be a last-minute shopper, which I HATE! I feel like I am no good at picking out gifts so I fret about it and then at the last minute just pick something out of the things I'd been searching through. 

    This year I decided to pay attention and I started getting ready... on at least a couple gifts. Both of which I'm crocheting. I know I had posted about both of them before the gift for my mom is getting there slowly but surely, it's the one I spend the most time on because it is the bigger of the two. 

   This is what I have so far:

(the picture frame is an 8x10)

Please forgive the poor quality of the picture. You can't see the color, but my intention was more for you to see how much it's progressed since my first post of this project. 

    Again on this project, I did not use a pattern or any type of instructions. I just started and when I had enough to cover as far as I felt it should go I continued to the next row. With this soft yarn, I didn't want to make it with all kinds of gapped designs for one because the yarn is a bit thin, but also because all the soft, comfy needs to be tightly crocheted to cover you in it all. 

   There's clearly plenty more to go and I'm so glad that I thought about how far we were in the year! Now hopefully this "covid" doesn't ruin our Christmas. 

I hope you're all doing well and thinking ahead about what you want to get/do for your loved ones for Christmas. 

Happy shopping, crafting and Christmasing!

Doctor Appointment

   I've been dealing with some health issues; after dealing with them for a while (some of them since I was a teen) I decided to make a doctor's appointment. Well, today's the day! 

Issues: 

    Backpain/Back spasms

    Headaches/Migraines

    High BPM at work

    Overheating

    Panic attacks

    Knee pain

    Wrist give out

     Forgetfulness

     Dizzy/Unbalanced

     Unfocused/Hard to concentrate on one thing for a long period of time

     Nausea

      ....I'm sure I've managed to forget something. 

     I didn't name some of the things such as my knees or wrists. I've been scared that he would say what a lot of doctors tell people; to lose more weight and drink more water, but he didn't once say that. He prescribed me some medicine for my headaches/migraines and for my back pain. I got bloodwork done and also had a spinal x-ray done. Hopefully at least one of those will give some answers to what is going on, it's frustrating hurting for "no reason" 

    I hope that no matter what it is it won't hinder me from doing my crafts. Only time will tell. All prayers, thoughts, good vibes, etc. are welcome

Get It Right The First Time

   Now I don't want to make many posts like this these are the kinds of posts I used to do.. so bare with me as I give some necessary details. 

Trust me I'd much rather focus on Crafting or fixing things, but sometimes things need to be said by someone who has been there. If I can say something and help one person from making the same mistake it will be worth it to me. 

    An 8-9ish year story short... When I was 18 I met someone, fell in love with the idea of being in love and starting that new chapter in life, got married, was miserable, had a kid, still miserable, my then husband was emotionally/mentally/sexually abusive, wasn't so great to "our" kid either he could be physically abusive to him (not full on beating him but he spanked him hard enough to lift his feet up off the floor before he was a year old, not just once), he had a temper and threw things, he bought a bunch of stuff on Amazon even though we couldn't pay our bills on time and blamed me for going out to eat (You have to eat, you don't have to have that Xbox or Camera), caught him lying several times throughout the marriage, got separated which everyone thought was for me to heal.. My plan even before then was to get out of there and get a divorce. He wanted to screw me over in all the divorce stuff....

    I met him at church when I was 18 years old. He was active in bus ministry, was a wonderful worshiper, had good friends, faithful to church,... all the things a good christian girl would be looking for. This is where you get the whole "Don't judge a book by it's cover." Sometimes things look real and pretty and instead are fake and ugly. I ended up having sex before marriage; a no, no in the religion. After getting married we became less and less involved in church and after a while just started going maybe once a month. He was addicted to porn (another big no, no) and lied even when the proof was right in front of his face.. several times. I cried so much I thought I was going to cause myself a miscarriage from all the stress. At 27 years old I FINALLY filed for divorce.

   The only good things I got from that marriage was my son and all the life lessons. 

   You may ask, "Why did you stay so long?" I stayed because I was taught all my life that marriage is forever and you have to make it work, the church people would look down on me, my mother was begging me to stay so my son wouldn't have a broken home like she and I came from, I barely made any money working at a gas station and I knew I would not end up with full custody of my son since I couldn't afford to take care of him.

   I wish I would have reported him to the police the first time he ever spanked my son that hard. I wish I would have fought to take away his rights to my son. I wish I would have found a way to have left sooner. I wish I would have stopped listening to my mother sooner. 

   A child can feel the anger, tenseness, hatred, bitterness, etc. It's not good for a child to see a marriage and think "that's how marriage is supposed to be." When I finally figured all that out I was able to start planning to leave. 

   I say all of that to say this. Do not marry young, do not marry fast, do not judge them by the pretty packaging, do not be fooled by thinking you're in love when really you only love the idea of being in love, if people are asking you if you're sure and saying it's not too late then don't marry that person and if you are feeling nervous and having doubts do not chalk it up to "cold feet." 

   

    The day of my wedding Tom who was a family friend, more like family really, came up to me and told me it wasn't too late. I should have run right then and there, wedding dress and all. My mom had several times before the wedding told me the same thing. I had warning signs all over the place. I think God himself could have come down with a stop sign with my ex's face and I still would have married him.            Why? Because I was young and dumb. I thought I knew myself and what I wanted. I thought I knew him... Honestly had I really looked at the signs he gave off I really would have known the real him. 

One example from when we were dating: We go to Sonic HE hits the yellow pole but guess who gets yelled at and blamed. 

After we got married: We went to see my step-dad in a much larger more confusing town than we lived in I gave directions the whole way to the hospital, but I got lost on the directions to the parking garage. He gets out of the car and he starts yelling and throwing a fit in front of my mother and while people are walking by. In that moment I was holding back my tears, I felt smaller than an ant and all I could think was "I wish some big biker guy would come deck him" Of course that never happened.  

    I'm sure you've heard the saying, "What's Done In The Dark" one referring to scripture in Luke 12:2-3 but they also use it to point out that we don't don't know what's "done in the dark" in someone's life. 

If you see a person treating their spouse like crap and making them feel small right in front of you how much worse do you think it is at home when no one is watching? My step-brother had to leave the dining room table at my parents because I was being treated bad and he wanted to hit him. I can understand why with his wife and kids there, but man I wish he would have laid him out flat. 

   I prayed a lot of prayers hoping he would change. Then my prayers became let him hit me or cheat on me. By the end I hated him so much I prayed "Let him hit me, cheat on me or die. I don't care which." that was a daily prayer and after years of praying with nothing happening I became very bitter at God and him.  I once was praying while I was at work and I heard "Get a divorce" I told my mom and she said oh no God wouldn't want that, but honestly I think he did. I was never supposed to marry him, I was being treated bad, ... why would God want me to stay in that situation? 

    Wait to marry someone. Wait until you really know them; you've seen them have a car accident (or something as equally frustrating), you've seen them around their family (Are they fighting with the family members? If yes, RUN! That's a sign of a narcissist), you've seen how they are with their money (Always pay your bills first, put some money in savings and then if you have some money left over you can get yourself a little something),...

    I have PTSD from that marriage and I've always had depression and anxiety. I'm remarried now though. My life is so much better. My husband is nothing like my ex was. My husband is very understanding when I'm dealing with PTSD/Depression/Anxiety. When I breakdown he's there to hold me and tell me it's okay and that I'm not alone. With him I built my life back up and I have things I never thought I'd have again; like a nice vehicle, a house (that we bought), more time with my son,... I still sit in my seat sometimes and think "is this real" 

   It's better to wait longer and know than to rush into it and end up where I was. The wait is worth it I promise. 

I wish you all a happy, love filled life with a spouse that is understanding on even your worst days. 

New Sewing Project

I was walking through Walmart hoping some fabric would catch my eye when I happened across this 1 yard Fabric Cut. As I've stated before I am a beginner at sewing so I figured some pre-cut fabric would make for a great project in my practices. 

My house colors are navy blue, gold/yellow and gray. The walls are gray so this fabric would help pull that gray from the wall into the rest of the space. 

Also awesome is I have some yarn in yellow that I bought previously that is very close to the same color. I have gray as well but it is darker than the gray/green/tan-ish color that is in this fabric. Hopefully I'll be able to make these projects fit together. 

I absolutely love this yarn. It's polyester, super soft. It's from Lion Brand Yarns called Vel-Luxe. Best part is I got it on clearance, though I'm sad the store will no longer be carrying the product. Check it out at www.lionbrand.com. They also have free patterns. 

Another yarn I'm using from the brand is the Mandala yarn which is the typical multicolor yarn in pastel baby colors. I've said before that I have sensitive hands to textures and unfortunately my hands don't care for the material but other than that I love it. 

Happy crafting!

Scarf Pattern

   I've started a new project even though I haven't finished the other 2 I've been working on 🤦‍♀️ 

    I really wanted to do a pattern so I looked one up for a scarf. The pattern is called Merino Grooves Scarf. I got it off Hobbii.com for free. They have so many free patterns! Check them out. I'm not using the same kind of yarn or hook so mine will look a bit different but so far it looks like it will be cool.

    Hopefully it will turn out well! If it does I plan to give it as a gift.

Crocheting For Absolute Beginners

One thing you should know about me is that I've never crocheted by pattern. I never use any kind of instructions, I decide I want to make something and I make it. I've made blankets, hats, phone purses, tablet cases... all just by sitting down and just going with it. So in some ways I'm actually learning with you and we have A LOT to learn. Thank God for Google and Youtube. 

Single and double stitch crocheting in a straight line is actually quite simple once you get the hang of it. When you stick with just one or even going from single to double (alternating rows) (more simple than it sounds), but some of these patterns have you making a line then doing a circle, flip it around now do it all backwards..I feel like they're taking me on some wacky rollercoaster.. its confusing. 

I've been checking out patterns on www.Hobbii.com. The first one I decided to take a look at is the Zoey Babywrap, it seems a bit complicated, but I'm sure with google, Youtube and practice I will eventually be able to make it. For now though I'm hoping to try something that looks a bit less confusing. 

They have plenty of patterns on Hobbii but for now I was only checking out baby blanket patterns. For the record, no I am not pregnant. One day hopefully I'll have another child but for now I'm just making/buying things for when that day arrives. Plus this way I always have an awesome Baby Shower gift if I find out I need one for a friend/acquaintance. 

I found a pattern that I think will be my first try at a real pattern, it's called Aya Baby Blanket on Hobbii website of course. It's not as easy as the blankets I'm used to making but I think I'll be able to follow it easier since it so far is closest to what I've been doing.

  

For absolute beginners (people who know absolutely nothing of crocheting) There are different size hooks. 

Above is what the hooks look like. If you look at the flat area you'll see that it says G/6-4.25m. That's the area you'll look at to find what size hook it is. You can buy hooks as a single hook or a package with several sizes (recommended)

Patterns will tell you what type of yarn you need and how much of that yarn along with what hook(s) you will need. 

If you go out and buy yarn it will also tell you what size yarn it is, how may yards are in that roll, what the yarn is made from and what size hook you should use. Some even have a pattern on the inside of the label around the yarn.

In crocheting you need to keep your stitches the same size which for most will take a lot of practice. You will need to start with a chain and continue to practice doing a chain a lot before you get to the next step. I would suggest buying a cheap yarn for this practice. You can make your chains into simple bracelets if you want to.  

Below I've posted a link I've borrowed to show you how to start from the very beginning.

Step 1: Getting the yarn on the hook and secured

Step 2: How to make a chain

Step 3: How to knot the end of your chain

https://youtu.be/7v-mssy5rKU

Like everything else you can crochet left or right handed. I'll post a video for each, also borrowed from Youtube.

https://youtu.be/PmSoXNqpP8Y (left)

https://youtu.be/uqQWpTOx22c (right)

There are A LOT of helpful videos on YouTube from some pretty awesome people. Some more helpful than other of course and if you find you dont quite follow that person choose another video. There are different ways to hold the hook and yarn. Different ways to do a Slip Knot. Use whatever method that is best and most comfortable for you. 

I hope this helps any visitors who have been wanting to crochet but were totally lost on where to start. Happy practicing 

Just Because You Can Say It Doesn't Mean You Should

When I was pregnant with my son I used to get on the app BabyCenter. I loved all the information about the baby and what it was looking like and such. 

Today I decided to check it out, they give info on older children too. The app has been ruined by members which sadly still hasn't changed. 

People get on there and ask serious questions and instead of giving a loving and positive messages they attack the person as if the know that person's life, as if they're doctors or they've been there before. If anyone comments a different opinion than theirs they feel the need to comment on that too. Making it seem as if the original poster and the commenters with different opinions are just such horrible people. 

I know it's not just BabyCenter; its Facebook, Twitter and all the other forms of social media. Honestly at this point I'd love to just get rid of it all. 

When did it become ok to talk down to people, to be disrespectful when not given a reason to treat that person with disrespect, to feel that you're the only person who could ever possibly be right... Your opinion may not be the same but that gives you no right to shame the other person, to talk down to them. What happened to understanding that you have NO CLUE what goes on in someone else's life.

A reminder unless you've really been there and put up with the same things they have you'll never truly know about it. If you've not been there it's best for you to just stay silent on your opinion. An "I'm sorry you went through that", "I'm sorry you were made to feel that way", "I'm praying for you", etc would be all you would need to say and all you should say because you don't know. 

It's one thing to think about what if that happen and what you would do if it did but that's not the real thing. You could never possibly understand the hurts, the abuse, the constant inner battles, the PTSD, etc. if you've never been in that position.

I really wish people would stop assuming they know everything. 

I have opinions, this is my blog so I will post my opinion, but its just that MY opinion. We don't have to agree to be civil or to even be friends. I read/see plenty of things I don't like or that I disagree with; do I make a point to go talk down to the person and shove my opinion down their throat? No. If they directly ask me how I feel about it i will in a respectful way tell them that i disagree and then go on to the next thing. Because it's ok to not agree. I'm a Christian you're an atheist. Ok I believe different, but I won't treat you better or worse than anyone else. You like Obama I like Trump. Still ok to disagree. It's one thing to state your side/opinion when directly asked but when someone asks a question like "hey have you ever felt the need to (get a divorce, check a husband's phone, run away, etc.) " and you never have just keep scrolling. 

I'm sorry but things like this just drive me crazy and I was already in a bad mood to begin with. 

I hope you're all having a day full of love, light, laughter and absolutely no drama! 

Land of the ... Free?

I hope you all had a great 4th, even if it was basically ruined by "covid"

The fireworks are always great and I'll always find them magical... But honestly I couldn't help but be sad while I looked at them. I kept remembering the way it used to be; the 4th and the world. I remember sitting at our National Guard in the grass, fireworks feeling so close that it was even a little scary, everything so magical, going to the different vendors before it got dark, ... 

I remember living in a world where people mostly knew right from wrong, people spanked their kids for being brats, people weren't trying to take God out of everything, people honored our historical buildings and statues, people knew only 2 genders exist, we could pray at school, we weren't being scared into wearing masks and changing our whole lives by a virus that kills less people than the common flu... the world hadn't gone flat out crazy. 

I miss the simple times that seem like they were so long ago but honestly I've only been here 30 years and that's really not that long. I want to live in a world where people have common sense, and just regular sense, where it's safe to leave your doors unlocked and your windows open without fear, a world where agendas aren't being shoved down our throats, people aren't trying to gain their rights by taking other's rights, people weren't trying to take guns away from law abiding citizens, when someone broke into your house you could shoot them without fear of them suing you and them winning!, ...

It's hard to celebrate freedom in a time like this. They took it away. I'm forced to wear a mask at work and into some businesses; for someone like me that's not ok. I overheat easily already which is increased by the mask, I'm claustrophobic which causes nausea and panic attacks, I'm always dehydrated which is increased by the mask, I have frequent headaches and since you have to breathe in the carbon dioxide that you breathe out those are increased too... Don't tell me that this company or the government enforcing this care about their people. With the logic they're currently using we would have been wearing masks all the time long ago because as I said the flu kills more people than covid. So we would be wearing masks all the time just in case someone around us had the flu. Might I also mention that if our immune system isn't able to be introduced to things it will never know how to fight them off. You're weakening your own body.

I'm just so disappointed in the way people are anymore, it just ruins the holidays. 

I hope I'll be able to raise my kids with more sense, more respect, better knowledge and understanding,... just better.

DIY Christmas Gift

I found this wonderful yarn at Walmart on clearance. It's a Deep Purple/Deep Red, depending on the light. It's very soft. Honestly it's the best yarn I've worked with when it comes to texture; I have sensitive hands (and feet) when it comes to textures. They also had other colors I bought; gray, pink and yellow. I would definitely recommend this yarn.

 I knew my mom would love this color so I decided to make her a blanket. Unfortunately I started making it before I decided to try new patterns so it's a simple single stitch. I felt this blanket would be best in tight stitches. With this color and softness it will look great even in a single stitch. It's going to be a personal blanket. I cannot wait to give it to her. 

Engaged, Married, Homeowner, Happy

   If you've been following at all I'm sure you've heard I had been married, had a son, got divorced, went through more heartache, met a great guy March 10, 2017 who was dating someone else, we became best friends and after his relationship fell apart we started hanging out more, I knew he liked me (he wouldn't admit it) but I was too afraid to ruin him or me or have a broken heart again, made a mistake where I could have lost him which caused me to realize he was The One and so I finally gave in and Jordan and I started dating August 22, 2017.

   In September 2019 we officially bought a house together. When we had finished moving all of our stuff from the rental house he proposed, September 26, 2019. 

   Our plan was to get married June 13, 2020 with the "normal" big ceremony, but my anxiety wasn't willing to wait that long and honestly I didn't want a big ceremony; I'd already been married before and had the big ceremony and I didn't enjoy it all back then anyways. We "rushed" the wedding and got married March 14, 2020 at the park under a shelter with snow falling in the background; my son, our parents, my friend/photographer and the officiant being the only ones allowed to attend.   

  Today its around 4 months of being married and life is pretty great. I still deal with PTSD from my previous marriage and of course I still have my depression and anxiety, but none of that is something I can fix. He's always very understanding, though I'm sure it's frustrating at times. He's amazing with me, my son and our 2 "furbabies" (cats) Claire and Cutie.  

   He's great about trying to teach my son, Seth, be it normal school related things or random facts and such. They practice sword fighting with Shinai Bamboo practice swords that Jordan bought. He helps him read and spell and tried to help teach him to tie his shoes.   

   Plain and simple, I could not have asked for a better guy. I've never felt so much for one person, not in this way. Without him I was lost. 

   I hope for each person who has been abused in their marriage/relationship, no matter what form, that they can find the kind of love Jordan has given me. Don't give up hope, they really aren't all the same.

Learning New Things

   For awhile now I've known how to make my own things by crocheting. Nothing detailed, just basic crocheting; single and double. I had stopped crocheting mostly, I was just to busy and not interested. However, recently I've been able to go down to part-time and I really want to take that extra time to learn new things and of course spend more time with my family.
   One of my goals is to learn new crochet patterns, specifically for blankets. I've seen some really cool blankets in the past and wished I was talented enough to make them and now I'm going to try. I found some free patterns at Hobbii and I can't wait to try them, but unfortunately I'm in the middle of making 2 blankets so I do have to wait.
   Second thing I'm trying to learn is sewing. I can hand sew, but it's not well and I just don't have the patience. I bought myself a little sewing machine and I've started my path to learning to create through the magic of sewing. I would love to be able to make myself outfits, do diy gifts, house items, etc.
   I'll try to stay active and post my projects and other such life stuff.

  Happy 4th of July!