Seeing him, with things the way they are, never gets easier. It's watching my heart walk away from me or in the case of today seeing my heart standing outside and having to just driving past it. Every time it feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest. I'm never prepared to see him and when I do, as much as I try not to, I can't help but cry. I miss him so damn much.
I don't even know what it is about him. I mean I've seriously been trying to figure out why him? What is it about him that my heart was all, "Yes, that one! He's special lets pick him!" Not to be rude or mean, but lets take a minute to be honest. He's cute, but he's not some drop dead gorgeous guy. He can be REALLY sweet, but he's also a total asshole. He listens, but most of the time he hears something completely different than what I'm actually saying (He takes it the wrong way). .. I mean really why him? He's cute, funny, sweet, love his smile,... I find him beautiful in all his brokenness..., he makes me feel safe, I felt like I could trust him (..not so much anymore), he makes me feel beautiful, etc.
You know for every positive I could find a negative if I wanted to, but I don't want to. I know he isn't perfect and I'm ok with that. I know he has a dark side, but so do I and I'm ok with that. I know he bottles things up and then explodes, but I'm ok with that because I'll take someone flipping out and yelling at me over ignoring me any day. I can forgive someone who's just had enough and loses it, but to ignore me and make me feel like I'm nothing.. like I never was anything after telling me you were falling for me... Damn that's a pain that I'm just not able to shake. Like how on earth do you move past that?
I'm somewhere between always hoping to see him and being terrified of seeing him because I know I'll want to cry every time....
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