Ain't That A Bitch

   Suppressed feelings. They come out of nowhere. Nothing needs to happen, no words need to be said they just pop up out of the blue. They make you feel bipolar because one day you're fine and the next you're bawling like it just happened.
   I was hanging out with a friend yesterday and I was fine, I'd been fine for days, but after he left it hit. I was suddenly overwhelmed with my brokenness. I sat in my bed and wept while I text my friend about it. I didn't fully realize what all was bothering me for a couple hours. I was dealing with not only the brokenness from when it first occurred, but also suppressed feelings about things I thought I was over. Cue more tears.
   I've said it a million times I don't believe you honestly get over loving someone. It doesn't matter how you've been treated, how long its been, how over it you think you are... that love will be there its just suppressed. All you've done is learn to live without them, all you've done is learned to move on because that's what was best. But some day out of nowhere something will happen and it will hurt all over again for a little while. When the memories come flooding in send a little love towards that memory, that person, and what was and then move on to the next thing because nothing hurts more than dwelling on what could have been, should have been, etc. I broke my own heart dwelling on that for months with the first guy that broke me.
   Yes, I mean he broke me. I've never been the same since and in a lot of ways that's a good thing so I have to thank him for that, but I'm still broke. Then I got broke again.
   There's no way to fully describe what it feels like to be broken this way... it's more than a heartache or heart break, it's so much more. It's like you're missing a piece of yourself. Like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and its off with that person; or in my current case it's like its been ripped out, torn in half, because the first guy took half and the second took what I had left to give, a half. It's uncontrollable tears. It's a constant ache for what you'd hoped would come to pass. It's a nausea that just won't pass. It's the loneliness in a crowd. It's the deafening silence when you're home alone. It's having a craving that you just can't quench. It's maddening. The first time it happened it damn near killed me and I mean that. I was so depressed that I wanted to die.
   Love is my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. If I love you than you are my strength, but when it falls apart so do I. I always come back stronger once I figure out how to put myself back together, but it comes at a price. I survive it's what I do, but it all has such a steep price. I lose a piece of myself each time. I suddenly end up doing things I never thought I would and in all honesty I end up not caring no matter how bad whatever I did is. I'm not sure I could handle another person breaking me in this way, but I fear a life where I don't have a man to love and call my own. The pain has to balance out... eventually....