Picky

   I wish I could stop finding guys that feel perfect for me because it's been nothing but a let down. I mean I found what felt like home in the middle of the most epic change of my life and it resulted in heartache. Then I found home again, which I thought would never happen, in the midst of all that heartache and it resulted in yet again more heartache. Within 7 months time I've had my heart broken twice.
   You can't say that I just fall in love with every guy because there have been other guys and I felt nothing for them. Now the first one eh time taught me to live without him, but I'm not there with the second one... Honestly I don't want to be, but I didn't with the first guy either I just got tired of breaking my own heart.
   I mean do I have a sign on my back that says, "if you aren't over your ex come see me" I'm not some damn place holder and you both chose women who treat you like shit over me so yeah that makes a lot of sense.
   I'm a picky person yet I chose you.. that should speak volumes to you. Not only am I a picky person I'm a loving, caring, and FAITHFUL person. Since I began to like you, you have been the ONLY person I've wanted and the only reason the other person was in my life is because you were flip flopping. All it would have taken for me to tell him it was done was simply for you to be serious with/about me. That's it. All yours. But that was to much to ask I guess.
     Honestly I just want to say, "I give up. I'm done. I'm done trying. I'm done caring. I'm done looking. I'm done waiting."  But I can't imagine a world without having someone to love. Because love.. Love means more to me than I can express. I've watched marriages of those closest to me fall apart, watched my own marriage fall apart, but yet I still believe in love. I still believe it's real. I still believe that forever can exist. I was hoping it was with you but you chose a different path. Let's be honest it's a path that's not good for any of you, but it's what you chose. I'm tired of watching people I care about pick the wrong path. I'm not saying the right path is with me, but it's better than the current one you've chosen because none of you will get what you need together. There's clearly something missing with the two of you maybe it was once there but you can't keep looking at what once was. You'll be miserable. You'll all be miserable. I do know you and I could be happy together but maybe you just enjoy being the victim.
   Part of me wants to ask why I keep blogging about this (other than the obvious, it's bothering me) but I know why I keep blogging about it. It's because I need to get it all out.  I need the therapy tjis provides.  Idk maybe part of me hopes you'll read it too, but if you are... Guess it doesn't matter does it. You're still not ready...