Best, Not Easiest, BEST

   I was asked about you today. I called you a jackass, the bane of my existence, liar, etc. Apparently that was intriguing because later I was asked to tell the story and so I did in little, but not too little, detail. I am nothing if not an open book. I was truthful and spoke harsh yet true words. 

   After some time passed I said, "I hope you don't think less of me." As tears began to fill my eyes I continued, "I don't like speaking badly of him. I care about him, but I'm not blind to who he is. I love him, he hurt me, and I'm very depressed about it." I could tell my tears made her uncomfortable and that she immediately regretted asking because she couldn't even look at me. Looking down she said, "Don't let it upset you. It'll be okay." 

She, like I and everyone else I've talked about this with, mainly our mutual friends, cannot understand why you make the choices you make. 

Are you truly so blind to what it's supposed to look like that you'll continue to call that what it isn't? Are all those "closest to you" also so blind? Together you made a gift, a beautiful gift, but that doesn't make it more than it is. You can't be off and on, cheating, talking to other people and telling them things and then go back and say it's love because love doesn't do that. With time things change, people change, we grow apart, we fall out of love (one or both partners), etc. 

Often times we stay out of habit, comfort, convenience and we call it something else, we call it love. 

To often we view our own lives and the misfortunes and we want better for our kids, "I came from a broken home. I don't want that for my kid." Trust me, I know, as someone who's parents divorced and I had to deal with step parents and step siblings I get it. Broken homes can be blessings in disguise, if done correctly by each parent. A child who once had 2 parents to love them now has 4 and that as hard as it may be to see is a blessing. More love for your child is always a blessing even if it comes at some discomfort to you. I love my parents and I hated my step parents at first, but now I have a love and a respect for them. Did they always do everything right? No, but neither did my parents and neither do we as parents. We do the best we can and sometimes what is best for us and our kid(s) is the fucking hardest thing in the world to do, something I also know far to well. 

Do you know when I was getting separated from my now ex-husband that the night before we moved I was having panic attacks? Yes, plural. Not because I wanted to be with my husband, no, I hated him, but because I was terrified of the changes, I was terrified to let go of my comfort, my convenience, my normal, my habits, I was scared to be alone, I was scared I couldn't provide, I was scared of the unknown, etc. 

I spent the first couple weeks crying in my apartment, for probably a month I was so upset I had acid reflux and was puking up acid. Wake up, puke, go to sleep, wake back up puke, go to work, come "home", cry, go to sleep and do it all over again. It was miserable, but necessary. I'm happier than I've ever been, for the majority of the "areas" in my life (a couple need work), because I was willing to do the fucking hardest thing of all, change and leave behind all I've known for years, 7 years. It came at a cost, but after 5 years of being utterly miserable I was willing to pay it. All the tears, all the acid reflux and puking, all the fear, all the doubt,... all of it made me stronger. I'd do it again in a heartbeat because it's what was best, not easiest, best.