Do You See ME?

When you see me what do you see?  

Are the scars, the blemishes, and the redness too much or can you see the flawless beauty beneath that they haven't touched?

Do you look at me because you think I'm beautiful? 

Or are you only looking to question this painfully obvious curse?

For years I've seen both sides from people. 

I have some who will see me and comment on my beauty; I've heard I'm hot, sexy, cute, pretty, beautiful, and even gorgeous. (I worked my way up to the highest compliment. No, hot and sexy really aren't compliments.) 

Then there's the others, complete strangers who will come up to me and say things like, "Do you have Rosacea?", "Is that a rash?", "Wow somebody got some sun!", "Does your face hurt?", "You know I had a (relative/friend/etc.) who had the same thing and they tried (insert anything from an over the counter wash to some painfully expensive behind the counter med). You should try that!",.... Yes, STRANGERS come up to me to talk about my face as if it should be ok to be an open topic. 

I see why others say they think I'm beautiful because they can look past the imperfections, but I can't. I mean I see some beauty, but mostly I just see red, bumpy blah. 

There's no makeup I've found that can hide the redness while not making my dry like blemishes appear more noticeable. 

There's no over the counter wash that I've tried that helps clear up my skin. 

There's no dermatologist prescribed topical that's helped take it all away. 

And the one dermatologist who seemed to really know what she was talking about and truly gave me hope was going to prescribe some meds that you had to jump through hoops to get, had to take for like 8 months, and they're very expensive. 

If I was rich believe you me I'd spend whatever it took to clear up all this mess. Its embarrassing. It makes me self conscience. However I'm not rich so I will walk out my door without any kind of concealer or foundation. 

I will walk out my door and pretend it doesn't exist, I will pretend it doesn't bother me, and I will pretend that I think I'm as beautiful as some people say I am. 

When I catch other people looking at me I can't help but wonder what they're thinking. Do they think I'm beautiful? Are they just admiring my body? Or are they thinking "what's wrong with her face?" 

I'm sure there are some people I've liked who could never like me for my facial imperfections alone. It's a shame. I can't help what's going on with my face. 

I've tried everything I can and I can't afford the next step. Its not like I'm some gross person who doesn't wash their face. I wash my face, I've tried SEVERAL different washes from SEVERAL different companies, I've tried washes and lotions, I've tried washing and rubbing alcohol to dry out my face, I've tried washes and rubbing alcohol and lotions... it exhausting. I've used Proactive, Mary Kay, Beauty Control, ItWorks, ... I've used scrubs, masks, charcoal masks,... I've been to dermatologist and used whatever topical they've prescribed,.... nothing helps. 

So what do you see?