Pinning Up the Slits

  Tonight I decided to go to Wal-Mart when I woke up. While inside I saw someone I used to go to church with and a girl with him whom I can only assume is his girlfriend. I ended up behind them in the checkout and I was looking at her outfit; knee length skirt, 3/4 length sleeve shirt, and sandals. Her shirt was modest and not low cut. The skirt was knee length with a slit the slit was pinned up with safety pins.
    I remember having to do that.  I remember having to examine everything I put on. I remember not being able to get clothes I really wanted because they were immodest or buying them but having to throw on layer after layer to cover up the immodesty. No sleeves = a jacket or long sleeve shirt under or over. To low cut = an undershirt. Skirt to short = another longer skirt under it.
   I remember all the discomfort of the clothes and how you had to sit and act. I always felt so self conscious, nothing ever felt right, I was always so worried with how I looked and it often depressed me, but now I don't care. Yes, I want to look nice but like nights like tonight I threw a pair of pants over my lounge/exercise shorts and continued to wear my sports bra with my tank top. Sure it wasn't the best look but I really don't care at this point and I'm allowed to have those days especially after having a long weekend of work and going through heartache. Besides that on the days when I actually try I don't have to try as hard to look good as I did when I was in church. Picking out an outfit is no longer some 30 minutes - 2 hour long struggle. I'm much more confident not only because I lost so much weight but also because for once I can wear clothes I really like. I finally feel like I'm myself.
   Now if only I could find a great guy that I'm attracted to and have a connection with who can love me for who I am. Although who I am is about to change a little bit. Are you ready? I am. I need this change... maybe not forever but for right now. We'll call this change my new version of pinning up the Slits because it's another form of bottling up my problems.. Well no not bottling them up so much as letting them explode. This change will be an outward change, something you can see is different, something you can't ignore. With each heartbreak I change as we all do. This time I'm making an outward change.