Too Real

I had a nightmare this morning.
In the dream I was laying in bed asleep with my boyfriend. Suddenly I was startled as my son came in the room and started crawling into bed with us. I fell back asleep to be awoken again by my son having crawled back into bed with us after he'd gotten up for whatever reason. Once again id fallen back to sleep and then I felt a presence close to my face and felt breath in my ear as an unknown man spoke quietly into it, I cannot remember what he said, but it wasn't pleasant and he wasn't supposed to be there. It terrified me and I held my son close.
There was a minute or two more of the dream that I can't quite remember all I know is it was moments or fear and terror the dream felt so real that I couldn't go back to sleep. I even checked around my place to make sure no one was here. All the while allowing my boyfriend to sleep because I knew it was just a nightmare. It's amazing how the mind can cause things to feel like they're actually happening.

Unrecognized Damage

Sometimes we don't realize the amount of damage a person has done to us until much later. For example I was attempting to fix breakfast and I kept messing things up and then managed to burn my finger. Now don't think I'm a completely awful cook I most definitely am not, just breakfast isn't my thing.
Needless to say I was feeling like a failure due to burning myself out of my own stupidity and not getting the eggs to cook the way I want. Also I can be a perfectionist so this just doesn't go over well anyways. Burning myself was the last straw so I woke up my boyfriend and said I may as well stop trying to pretend I'm good at this wifey stuff and that there was food in the kitchen but I wasn't sure how good it would be.
While I was married one of the common fights that occurred was about me not cooking. Now I'm cooking more because I want to and I don't completely hate it, but there's a fear that I'll disappoint my boyfriend, that he'll be mad if I don't cook, if I mess up while cooking, etc. However, I know he isn't that way. He cooks, I cook. He likes my cooking, says I'm a good cook. He's understanding and always appreciates what I do even if it doesn't turn out as I hope. My fear isn't from him it's from all the fights I had before I ever even knew he existed.
As I attempted not to cry he held me and told me everything was ok. He kissed my head and assured me as he always does. Never tearing me down, always building me up.
I'm sad that the fights from before can still cause this fear, however without them I could never appreciate what a great guy my boyfriend is.

Depression Speaks

Depression multiplies the things you already feel.
Depression says "Just forget it, it will never go any further, there's no possibility of something more, no future, you'll always be second best and come in second place, may as well quit now.."
Depression sits back with a smug look as it points out the pain in your chest and that let down feeling that you just can't shake.
Depression laughs as you cry.
Depression is entertained by your agony.
With each depressed moment you get weaker because it is sucking away all your strength so it can get stronger.
Depression is a slow and painful death, maybe not a physical death, but something on the inside dies when it's around. Hope is lost. Patience is gone.
...why do I have to deal with this...

1 Year Ago Today

So I'm posting this a day late, but I'll still word it as if it was today.

1 Year Ago Today I woke up unaware of where I was. As I looked around the room I was sitting in I realized I knew this room, this room was familiar, One I'd seen many times growing up, this was a motel room. I was suddenly hit with the realization that everything from yesterday was real. We did decide to separate, I did pack up my stuff, I did move, and this was now my home. After years of wondering how long I'd have to be stuck in my marriage, how long I'd have to cry, and when I could finally break free I was finally there.
My husband at the time, his and my family all thought this was a break, time for me to heal and forgive, but that was never my plan. I spent around a month trying to get the courage and figure out how to break the hearts of all those around me, each time I tried all I could picture was them crying as if they were right in front of me. Even my own mother was against me out of a desire for my son to not be in a broken home like she and I had been in, but sometimes a broken home is the best thing that can happen for a family.
A year ago today was the day I changed my life, it's the day I started to live and not just exist, it's the day I began to find me.

Christmas

I don't know about the rest of you, but I cannot wait until after Thanksgiving. My boyfriend is going to help me decorate for Christmas! It's been a long time since I've had someone willing to help, besides my son who's too young to do much.
I miss the beautiful, magical look of Christmas lights and decorated trees, the scents of Christmas such as pine, cinnamon, and all things baked, looking out the window from the warmth and safety of my home and seeing the beautiful snow cover the ground and trees (just don't make me go outside!)
Yet sadly as much as I miss all these things recently Christmas has just felt like another day lacking in all things wonderful and magical, I think that's what I miss most that childlike feeling you get on Christmas. I miss the things I can never get back like sitting with my mom, listening to Christmas music, wrapping presents, and decorating the tree, but now I have a job, a kid, my own place, etc. and it all just gets in the way. I'm afraid we never learned to adapt when things changed and now there's rules that stop the adapting I would hope for, but maybe I can find a day or two this year to get a little bit of it back.
I really hope Christmas feels more like Christmas this year

2 Months

2 months together, it still feels like its been way longer, but its just a little over 2 months now and everything is going well.
We talk to each other well and easily so much so that we lose sleep just staying up talking.
We pick things out together each taking the other's opinion into account.
We watch movies or tv series that one of us may not like but the other person does so we watch it for them. For me he watches my chickflicks, for him I watch the so stupid it's funny comedies. Sometimes we even find out we like one of them.
We cook for each other.
I do laundry, he does dishes lol.
We occasionally play video games together.
She grocery, clothes, gift, etc. shop together.
We share be it food, blankets, vehicles, who pays the bill, etc.
We help each other with our projects. I helped him with his Halloween costume, he helped me, and by help I mean he mainly did it, with my entertainment stand.
Do we always agree? No, of course not. Do we always like the same things? Nope, definitely not. Did either of us at any point accidentally upset the other person? Sure did.  However all those things don't make up a relationship, but how you handle it does.  Do you apologize sincerely and don't do whatever it was again when you're wrong? Do you talk things out? Do you compromise? Do you love them past their flaws? Do you enjoy doing things for them?
I don't know where we'll end up in the future, I know what I want, but this is life and it does have a way of throwing you curveballs. However with the way we are together I don't see anything that could change the way we feel towards each other. I don't think there's much, if anything, that we couldn't handle together.  I mean don't go putting just the two of us up against an army of the dead or anything, but normal life situations I think we've got that.
Speaking of army of the dead HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! one day I hope to be able to get more into Halloween, decorating, giving out candy, costumes, the works, but for now I don't really have that option.  However with him I know I will, we just need a better place for it... and living together would help. Lol.
I can't wait until after Thanksgiving he's going to help me decorate for Christmas!!!!! It's been a long time since I've had someone willing to help, besides my son who's too young to do much.
It's been a great 2 months and I can't wait to see what the next 2 months look like, though I'm hoping for much more than just months and much more than just a couple of years. 

Forever?

If you're anything like me when you're single you're afraid you'll be alone forever and if you're with someone and you truly care about them you're afraid you'll lose them. Amazing how there's fear on either side, you just can't win either way.
I found someone I want and I'm pretty damn set on forever, but to be honest I'm terrified. I'm terrified I'll do something stupid (no matter what it is) and he won't love me or want to be with me.
My son came into the bedroom and said, "I'm scared" and honestly I wanted to say, "Me too" of course for very different reasons.
I've been hurt, left and misused by people I had at one time thought could be my forever and now every little thing makes me question if it will happen again. Forever feels like a fairytale and to be honest I stopped believing in fairytales a long time ago. (Insert JoJo singing Fairytales.. Don't know it? Look it up, it'll make sense then) It's hard to hope for something you stopped believing in, even when you're praying it exists...

Homesick

There are conviniencies to staying in Lebanon like traveling to work is 10 minutes away vs 30 minutes away or the fact that I'm with my boyfriend all the time, also I'm able to save up money easier this way, but I miss my home. It's mine, it's where my food is, my comfort, my bed, my sofa,... all my stuff. I missed it so much that it caused me to cry, sounds lame I know, but I've missed it that much. 
It's nice to be in my home, it reminds me why I'm working so hard. I don't work hard to live in someone else's home I work hard to have a home of my own. One day to have a house of my own.
It creates this dilemma of going with ease of travel vs my comfort or staying in my place vs always being with my boyfriend. This would be easier if my job was in the same town as my apartment or if my boyfriend and I had been together long enough for both of us to feel comfortable moving in together (one of us is fine with it the other isn't)
I don't know, I just don't know. Maybe had I not skipped a weekend of being at my place I wouldn't feel this way or maybe I was building up to this all along. All I know is that I missed my home. Now I'm here and I'm so much more comfortable. No worrying about roommates, no uncomfortable temperatures to deal with, no worrying about being too loud and waking the roommates, no awkwardness at all... Just me at my apartment with my Love and my Little Love, now that's home.

Socially Exhausted

I will never fully understand why I am the way I am. Why does being around people completely drain me? I've heard several different theories, each sounding as good as the last, but what's the real reason. Is it an introvert thing or is it that I'm overwhelmed by the energy that others put off, a mixture of both perhaps? I honestly don't know. All I do know is that it takes time alone, napping, resting, doing things i like to do such as playing a video game, watching a movie/show or reading for me to recharge. 
I often have to keep from going to things that I was once looking forward to just because I don't have the energy to deal with the people around me at that point. Let me tell you that sucks. I'd love to be more social, to get out more, to not be drained by the mere presence of another, but that's not who I am and there's nothing I can do to change it. I can simply hope to surround myself with people who will love me and understand me just as I am, complicated, emotional at times, needy of both interaction and alone time.
If I'm offish please don't take it that I'm upset at you or that I don't like you, you've probably simply caught me on a drained day when I chose to push past or simply didn't have a choice or perhaps was in the middle of my day and found myself drained. I don't mean to ruin plans, hurt anyone's feelings or push people away I simply need time to recharge. I heard someone say it's like a video game so think of any game, such as Warframe, where you have a shield and once it's drained you need it to recharge to protect your health so you simply find a safe place, it's the same thing with me and my safe place is being alone for a little while. The longer I'm around people the longer my shield takes to recharge. Once I've had my time to recharge you'll notice I'm back to my normal bubbly self.

One Day, Pretty Things

One day, pretty things to name a few "I love you", moving in, proposal, a marriage, children, etc.
I have a problem. You see when I know what I want I don't see the point in waiting. For marriage, yes, there I see the point, I already have a failed one of those so that can definitely wait! But a couple things on that list would be like heaven to me. Trouble is I won't be getting them anytime soon and to be honest it stresses me out a bit.
My quote when I'm getting upset and stressed about it to the point I'm about to explode and/or blurt out stupidness is ,"One day, pretty things" because I fully believe with him that's possible, but damn I hate waiting. I sit and sigh and I don't even mean to, I'm simply stressed about it and it won't leave me alone. So One day pretty things...

What if...

What would happen if we got so in love with the person we're with and if we constantly remembered that they could be taken from us in a moment's time? Would we still be mad about that dumb thing they did or didn't do? Would the fight  be worth it?
All it takes is a moment; a car crash, an intruder, heart attack, etc. One moment, one second and gone.
I don't know about you, but I'd be kicking myself if I lost my boyfriend.
I'd regret every kiss not given, every missed opportunity for cuddles, every I love you not said, ... I would miss it all.
I'd regret every time I was upset and pushed him away, no matter how much i hate crying in front of people.
The regret isn't worth it, but the discomfort and being uncomfortable just to be close to them is.

Last Game

Today was my son's last soccer game, for now, I had work, but I was still able to make it to the game. Sure I've lost some sleep, but the smile on my son's face seeing us there will be worth it, however, I may still be a grouch. Sorry in advance, everyone.
He did such a great job today. I hope he remembers everything he's learned for when he plays in the Spring. I know playing makes him happy and it keeps him active so I love that he's playing. Hopefully by Spring I can find a way to make it to all the games, something tells me that's just wishful thinking.
My wonderful boyfriend was there watching the game with me, missing sleep with me, driving me there, and being absolutely wonderful as he basically always is, no one is perfect, but he's pretty close and never does anything to purposefully upset me.
Well world there's work tonight and I need all the sleep I can get before then! Good "night" Loves 

You're Gonna Miss This

I cannot explain to you the love a parent has for their child. I can tell you it's overwhelming. There's nothing you've experienced before that I can point out and say, "Yes, it's like that" because it's not like any of it, it's so different. It's a greater love than you've ever known.
Tonight I had an emotional Mommy Moment, well more than one, but let's focus on the one. Tonight my son fell asleep between my boyfriend and I on the dual recliner (bring I'm the first emotional Mommy moment and all the awws and feels) As Seth lay there I went to get his room ready, fan on, closet light on, blankets pulled back, etc. the whole time thinking it's going to be tough getting him off the recliners in the position he's in. When I returned back to the recliners I realized just how big he's gotten and it's been a while since he's fallen asleep anywhere but his bed and as I carried him to his room it hit me, I wont be able to pick him up and put him in bed for much longer.
Another beloved mommy moment will soon be gone because eventually he'll outgrow that too, but I'm his mommy and I don't outgrow those moments. I cling to those moments and cry as he outgrow each thing, because though I know he has to grow up I will forever miss that precious baby that I carried for 9 months, that baby that I delivered, the baby I brought home, the baby I taught to walk and talk, the 1 year old I watched run around on his 1st birthday who'd ate far to much cake, threw up, but kept smiling and running anyways, the toddler I watched slowly learn the words to You Are My Sunshine and would attempt to sing along with me, to the boy who now occasionally asks me to sing him "that song". I no longer get to hold him and rock him to sleep, he rarely ever wants to just sit and cuddle like I'd been able to do with him as a baby, I don't get to just hold him and sing him "that song" bit the moments when he asks... those moments my heart melts

1 month+

We've been together for over a month now. Honestly it feels like longer, not just to me, but also to those around us.  I'm being asked when we'll get married and how many kids we'll have lol sorry I can't answer those questions.  Sure a huge part of me would love to rush all of this, but then I remember my past and I don't want to relive that and I don't want him to live through that, he's too good for that.
He deserves that I only married once and it lasted kind of love. Obviously I've been married before and it didn't work, but I would love to make it work with him, I would love to be the one to give him that kind of love. Even still I shouldn't rush.
I enjoy spending every day and every night with him. Doesn't matter if we're at the movie theater or watching a movie at home, out to dinner or cooking at home, going shopping in the mall or going shopping at Wal-Mart, alone or with friends and/or family I simply love being with him.
I'm lucky to have someone so great in my life. He treats me and my son so well. He's there for me when I'm happy, sad, or just acting completely crazy.
I can't help but just stare at him because I'm so lucky. I'm the lucky one 😍

Precious Moments

I love those precious moments. The ones where we lay next to each other cuddling and/or holding hands and just stare into each other's eyes, no one has to say or do anything. I don't feel awkward in these moments I feel home.

Hindsight 20/20

   It's funny looking back on life at all the things I'd wanted before. How much I begged and pleaded. How much I cried when those guys broke my heart. Now I'm glad they did. At the time I wanted them so bad. I would have done anything for them and anything to get them, but hindsight is always 20/20 and I'm so glad things turned out the way they have.
   All the guys I'd wanted before never treated me even half as good as my boyfriend does. I would gladly go through every heartache again to end up with him because I don't think I could have ever fully appreciated how great he is without going through all I've been through. All that pain helped me to see the beauty in all the things he does. My feelings for him are far more mature than the feelings I had for the guys before him. Not to say he's perfect, but really who is? 

   It almost feels like he and I have been together for years then it hits me, "Oh yeah, I did go through all that" "My divorce was only 3 months ago" "My separation was only 10 months ago" "Oh right, I did like that guy" "That did happen didn't it?" Honestly at this point all of that feels like it happened in another life. For most of it I'm sitting back all "What the hell was I thinking? I'm so stupid" but hey you live and learn. I had to go wild for a bit before I could see what I really needed. Funny enough during part of my going wild what I needed was right in front of me and I was too blind to see it or maybe I was just too scared.. Either way I finally have what I need and I'm happy to call him mine 💗

Home Is Where The Heart Is

In his arms I'm home. I'm comfortable in a way I never have been before. I love when he holds me and I love holding him; it gives me such a peace and makes me happy even on my worst days.
I love to cuddle so a good portion of the time when we sleep we cuddle. If I happen to wake up because the way I'm laying is no longer comfortable I hate it and I'll lay there questioning "Do I move and risk not being cuddled or do I just stay as I am to continue to be cuddled?" I know I wont get back to sleep in the same position so eventually I move. I'll roll over and he'll roll over with me and cuddle me more. I'm not sure if he's awake when I've rolled over or if he's sleeping either way he rolls over with me almost every time. I swear I just melt when he does.
He's sweet, sweeter than I knew possible. On my worst days he's there reminding me that he cares and reassuring me that he's not going anywhere, exactly what I need. At this point I'm thinking he's kind of perfect.. even if he won't let me help decorate his bedroom and bathroom 😂 

Soccer Mom

   My son recently started Soccer, he's super excited about it. I'm so glad he's in soccer and I hope he will not only love it and have fun, but that he'll do well and continue to be active in sports as he gets older.
   I got to watch him play today, his second game. At this age they're all still a little confused, but for kids their age they did a great job, they do not keep score.
My son has an issue staying on his feet which on occasion has helped but mainly hinders.  Not to mention he could possibly get kicked in the face by a kid who's trying to kick the ball. One day he'll learn.
   Unfortunately I missed his first game due to work, but I'll be at every game I can. Missing his first game really upset me, but I am trying to do the best I can.
   I know there are people, especially other parents, who have sat back and judged me for the way things currently are, but if they were in my shoes and had to make my choices I believe a good 80% would have done the same. I can't help that I have to work to pay bills and I can't change the mistakes of my past, but I sure as hell can work my ass off to try to make my life better than it was and so far I've done a pretty good job.
I get depressed even now about some of the stuff; things with my son, not owning my own home, needing a better car, wishing I had a better job more suited for a parent, etc. but for now I'm trying to do all that I can. I fail from time to time; like shopping when I'm depressed about something or pouting when I don't get my way, but one day I'll learn not to do that, at least not as much, but for now this is me.
Currently I'm a Soccer Mom.

Dream A Little Dream

I was told that I once dreamed such vivid dreams because I felt out of control in my real life so I created a place where I had control. When I took control over my life my dreams stopped and I missed them horribly. Well my dreams are back. There's something I don't have control of anymore, my boyfriend.
You see he's pretty wonderful and though I don't think he's going anywhere you never know what another person is thinking. The possibility of ever losing him terrifies me more than I've ever felt, but I know I have no control over that so now I'm dreaming.
Not that dreaming again is bad it's the types of dreams that I'm having that I dislike. Why dream of haircuts I dislike on him or him being unfaithful with of all people his sister?! Seriously my dreams have been messed up. Why can't I dream of flying again? That was always cool.
Fear is weird...

So This Is What It Feels Like

I love that he listens to what I have to say. He wants to know my thoughts, my opinion and why I feel the way I do.
If I make a suggestion he at least thinks about it.
I'm never pushed away or mistreated.
He even checks my blog 😂 That's refreshing since no one else has cared to do so. Not that I blog for other to read it, but it's great to have a guy that cares enough to read it.
He's pretty amazing

No More Eggshells

I find I'm having to remind myself to think of "is this ok", "would this upset him", etc.

It's so weird going from always questioning and walking on eggshells in my marriage to being separated and not having to and not caring what people thought and now having to get back to thinking of someone else and their feelings again. Though thankfully I no longer need to walk on eggshells because he wants me to be me. However I do hope that if I do something he doesn't like he won't just think through it logically and not say anything.

You May Make Me Believe It

He tells me I'm cute, beautiful, and gorgeous every day multiple times a day.

As someone who's fought securities all my life it's amazing to have someone who makes sure I know they think I'm beautiful daily.

It Was Worth The Wait

For once I have someone in my life that I can say makes me glad it never worked with anyone before. Why? Because they NEVER treated me this great.

Not Just Physical

Though holding hands, hugging, kissing and all other physical things is really great, and I adore all of that, you need more to have a good relationship with someone. We have that more. We can sit and talk. We can hang out with out friends and family. We can w orj together and still get work done. Now I'm not saying we may not be cuddling, holding hands, or kissing at some point during these other things but this is NOT what our relationship revolves around.
He was my best friend first and he'll continue to be my best friend during our relationship. I love the time spent with him no matter what we're doing.

Not A Knight

He's not a knight in shining armor, he's my geek in faded graphic tees. 😂
He's the one guy I've not caught myself worrying about if he was checking out other women or if he was flirting with someone else.
The one guy I feel I can trust to tell me the truth. Can I just say that's a refreshing feeling!
He was my best friend first and that makes this so much better.
Funny enough my only current concern other than him officially asking me out is if I'm worthy of someone who treats me so great....

Natural Blush

He loves one of the things that I'm most insecure about, my blushing. I blush easy. I blush at almost anything. No matter how much I hate when my face gets red he loves it and thinks it's adorable. He purposefully makes me blush becais e he loves it so much. Apparently he thinks it just adds to my beauty. He may be crazy but he calls me beautiful daily ❤

More Than A Promposal

I was talking with my No-Titles guy about actually having titles. I mean the more people that know the less point no titles is. At first I said he had to make it good; when he asked and the way he way he asked. After some time I thought about how great he treats me and how he's never treated me as anything less than a queen no matter how perfect or slobby I've looked and I decided so long as it wasn't via text or social media I really didn't care where or how and he should do this however he wants but soon. Lol. However he being who he is still is trying to come up with the way.
I sat there and was thinking this isn't some prom proposal it doesn't have to be fancy or have crazy thought put into it and then it hit me.. you're right this isn't a promposal this is more. This isn't some promise of one night spent together this is a promise of a commitment to each other for however long the relationship lasts. It's a promise to be faithful and honest, to communicate, etc.
So yes once again there's more to learn, discover, and realize no matter how old you are... and sometimes you're taught by someone younger than you.
Yeah, he's pretty great

What If...

He may not be what I've normally gone for but he's good for me. He's so good to me.

I may not like everything about him like his hair or his hat or the somewhat weird age gap, but really in the grand scheme does that matter? Will looks stick around? No. Will fashion change? Yes.

What's really going to matter? The way he treats me, the way we talk, our honesty, the way we make each other other laugh, the way we can spend time in a room together doing different things and not feel alone, etc.

For now we aren't a couple. Who knows maybe nothing major will come of this. Maybe it won't last. But I have a best friend in him no matter what and that is better. I'm not worried about what's going to happen months or years from now I just want to live and be happy right where I am.

It Balanced Out

Well I did the wrong thing again, like we humans often do. However this time the wrong thing made me realize 2 things. Now I won't say I learned from my mistake though I hope I did, but I will say I'm glad it brought some things to light. A what if is gone and a maybe has appeared.
This mistake caused some pain for multiple people however it brought clarity to multiple people as well. So it sucks but I guess it balances out.

The Endless Cycle Of Brokenness

Dear Innocent, Relationship Based, Never Bend the Rules and Never Been Broken Loves,
      I was you. I believed in relationships and true loves, I never went against the rules because I didn't want to hurt those around me, I had never felt the true breaking of a heart though I thought I had. I was innocent. I was unbroken. 
   Today I am cold and broken. Today I live as who I am regardless of who it hurts. Today I am not innocent.
   You see my heart was broken. Truly and utterly broken. I cried for relief and when it didn't come I wished for my death and then cried because I'd never wished for something so awful in all my life.
   He should have been that great love after that great misery but instead he became another part of my pain. He broke me. Then trying to hold on to what I thought I needed and what I thought I should have I continued to break myself.
   He broke me and as the cycle goes I'm sure I'll break another... it's cruel and not something I want to do, but the brokenness and the pain have changed me. The once warm and always loving woman isn't around anymore. Yes, I can love but only if the connection is there. If the connection isn't there I am cold and I use for whatever I need not intentionally. No matter how much I take in consideration their feelings I also don't. The thought of hurting someone the way I've been hurt makes me sick to my stomach and yet I can't stop because they supply a need. Though I warn them that I'm heartless and that there's no connection daily still I fear what pain I will cause them.

Family Without Ties

   With so many divorces and broken homes it's a shame that people have yet to figure out this simple concept. It really would make things better. It really would be better for your kid(s).
   So what is this concept? As I said it's simple. You can be a family without being together. You may hate the father/mother of your child(ren) as a partner, but that doesn't mean you can't learn to be friends after some time of healing.
    Take my marriage for example. We are not compatible as partners.  After getting separated and completely removing him from my life, online and otherwise, for 9 months that gave me time to heal, time to stop hating, time to grow. Now I can talk to him, I can add him on Facebook, we can go out to eat together with our son and have nice conversations like we were never able to do before.  My son can have family moments without us legally being a family.  It's important for kids to see mommy and daddy together getting along and that's what I want to provide for him. I'd never go back to his dad, but that doesn't mean I have to keep him completely out of my life either. I've found we get along a lot better now that we did before.

P.S. (I'm Still Not Over You)

   I'm over the real him, however, I am not over the guy I thought he was back then. I believe that he could be that man that I love, but I know that he isn't.  

   I'm not sure if he's always been that way or if something happened that turned him into who he is.

   The time I had with him both saved me and ruined me.



   I'll never look at Christmas lights, vehicles, laundromats, or plenty of other things the same ever again. Yes, those things always remind me of him.

   I'll always love who I thought he was. That's the part people have a problem with though; they can't separate who a person is with who they thought they were. You have to separate the two.

Can I Have Him Back?

   You know it's funny in the 27, almost 28, years of my life I can tell you there's only been 1 man I found myself extremely attracted to in a sexual way.
Not that I didn't find the others attractive or that I didn't want to be with them I simply didn't look at them and think "I have to have him now" 
He's the one guy currently that could drive me crazy just by looking at him, his body isn't skinny but isn't fat and he had those muscles that I enjoy so much, he could pick me up without any issue and I never feared when he did because I knew he was strong, I didn't have anything to fear when he was around...
Sad to say I can't have this man. He's taken now. I can tell you that it's all my fault that he isn't mine because I broke up with him. I could tell you if he left her today I'd try to get him back in a heartbeat. I can also tell you that at least 99% of the people that know me would be shocked to know that they guessed wrong at who it is.

You Can Do It

  While at work I remembered another good memory, different man, but still one who wronged me. Still I smiled.
It was December, I was having a wonderful time sitting in a car with this guy, talking, and looking at the Christmas lights at the park. (Truly one of the best times I've had with a guy that I was just getting to know) We spoke of a mutual friend and how if he was there he'd be saying, "YOU CAN DO IT" in true Rob Schneider fashion.
What reminded me of this moment was I told someone at work "You can do it" and the memory hit.. I couldn't help but smile and laugh.

Prank/Test

  Today a prank / test was pulled off, unfortunately from a distance I was unable to do anything but sit back and hear about it. I must say for the most part I enjoyed the outcome. The tears he shed, the feeling of loss he experienced, and the anger he felt once he was told the truth.
I admit when I first heard he was crying it upset me, but then I remembered all the tears I shed over him and all the tears she must have cried over him. I remembered the way she and I felt that feeling of loss and the feeling of anger when we found out the truth. Somehow I just could no longer feel sorry for him.
Do I think he learned his lesson? No, of course not. He's still been lying so I'm sure he hasn't learned his lesson on cheating. He may be trying so hard now, but people typically don't change especially not after years of doing the same thing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, my love (more like ex-love). You should know better than to fuck with a woman who warned you not to hurt her, but you just couldn't help yourself now could you? It was too much fun to hug me and touch my ass at work, then rubbing my thigh on break, it was too nice having someone scratch/rub your back while you bitched about your "ex", it was too much fun sneaking over to my place and having that first kiss, then sneaking to my place to hangout and getting what you actually wanted, sex, and it was too nice cuddling after and talking. Was it empowering, did it boost your ego to have your girlfriend and a woman on the side?
If you think what we did is mean maybe you should first remember what you did to us. Just remember some women would do much much more... don't play with fire.
Also you failed a test. You having grown up without a father would have made the choice to allow a child of yours to grow up without their father. Why because you chose yourself over your kid. Sure I knew it didn't exist and she knew this baby didn't exist, but you, you had no clue. You had the option given to move back to help raise it and still have them there with you and you still wouldn't have moved back. How dare you ever call yourself a man. A man would put his kids first, ALL of his kids.

Speedy Gonzales

Even after someone does you wrong you still have good memories with them and it's ok to smile at that.  For instance I was driving to work and I had a memory of driving home after work one morning. I was taking this guy home and there was this vehicle that went speeding past us well moments later another vehicle looking just like it came by. So he calls them Speedy Gonzales and says that they've already come all the way around and passed us again. I was already slaphappy from work and I was trying not to absolutely lose it though I did laugh probably far to long at it anyways.
Good time.

Music

   If you've ever been privileged enough to really get to know me and to be around me enough that I'm comfortable around you, you'll know that I LOVE music. 

I will "dance" in the car and I will sing. 

Music will make me laugh and smile or it may make me sad and cry. 

Music is my escape. 

I will listen to it on my walks.

I will listen to it in my apartment. 

I'd listen to it at work if they'd let me. 

I will relate people and situations with songs. 

I will speak in songs. 

I LOVE MUSIC.

 People that introduce me to new (and GOOD!) music are very important. The music though I say new can be from any time, I simply mean it's new to me. It can be any genre because I like a vast amount of music. I will listen to Pop, Country, Hip Hop, Rap, Reggae, Disney, Rock, Oldies, .... I think you get the point, if it's good I'll listen to it. I believe each genre has good songs you just have to sort through the trash to find it.  

Send me a song title and the singer/band name and I will look it up. I may also blog my opinion on it, what it makes me think of, who it makes me think of, if it made me happy or sad, if I can relate it to a past memory, etc. Go ahead I want to find some more good music. 

Let Me Go Back

   There are somethings I will never understand and this has got to be one of the most annoying ones, at least currently. How is it that someone who does you so wrong can hold such a power over you, even months later?
   There's this guy, right? There's always a guy. Lol. Nothing really special to look at, but damn there's just something about him you can't shake. His presence and the way he makes you feel is just insane. I'm talking he touches you and you tingle, intense feeling. So there's this guy who could do that to me. I'd never and have still never experienced that intensity in a simple touch since.
Someone take me back to December. If I could just go back and live December 4th,2016 around 9 p.m. - December 16th, 2016 around 4 a.m. I so would. I would do some things differently, but that's the time.
   Why do those memories hold such a power over me?

Do You See ME?

When you see me what do you see?  

Are the scars, the blemishes, and the redness too much or can you see the flawless beauty beneath that they haven't touched?

Do you look at me because you think I'm beautiful? 

Or are you only looking to question this painfully obvious curse?

For years I've seen both sides from people. 

I have some who will see me and comment on my beauty; I've heard I'm hot, sexy, cute, pretty, beautiful, and even gorgeous. (I worked my way up to the highest compliment. No, hot and sexy really aren't compliments.) 

Then there's the others, complete strangers who will come up to me and say things like, "Do you have Rosacea?", "Is that a rash?", "Wow somebody got some sun!", "Does your face hurt?", "You know I had a (relative/friend/etc.) who had the same thing and they tried (insert anything from an over the counter wash to some painfully expensive behind the counter med). You should try that!",.... Yes, STRANGERS come up to me to talk about my face as if it should be ok to be an open topic. 

I see why others say they think I'm beautiful because they can look past the imperfections, but I can't. I mean I see some beauty, but mostly I just see red, bumpy blah. 

There's no makeup I've found that can hide the redness while not making my dry like blemishes appear more noticeable. 

There's no over the counter wash that I've tried that helps clear up my skin. 

There's no dermatologist prescribed topical that's helped take it all away. 

And the one dermatologist who seemed to really know what she was talking about and truly gave me hope was going to prescribe some meds that you had to jump through hoops to get, had to take for like 8 months, and they're very expensive. 

If I was rich believe you me I'd spend whatever it took to clear up all this mess. Its embarrassing. It makes me self conscience. However I'm not rich so I will walk out my door without any kind of concealer or foundation. 

I will walk out my door and pretend it doesn't exist, I will pretend it doesn't bother me, and I will pretend that I think I'm as beautiful as some people say I am. 

When I catch other people looking at me I can't help but wonder what they're thinking. Do they think I'm beautiful? Are they just admiring my body? Or are they thinking "what's wrong with her face?" 

I'm sure there are some people I've liked who could never like me for my facial imperfections alone. It's a shame. I can't help what's going on with my face. 

I've tried everything I can and I can't afford the next step. Its not like I'm some gross person who doesn't wash their face. I wash my face, I've tried SEVERAL different washes from SEVERAL different companies, I've tried washes and lotions, I've tried washing and rubbing alcohol to dry out my face, I've tried washes and rubbing alcohol and lotions... it exhausting. I've used Proactive, Mary Kay, Beauty Control, ItWorks, ... I've used scrubs, masks, charcoal masks,... I've been to dermatologist and used whatever topical they've prescribed,.... nothing helps. 

So what do you see? 

WORKing On My Nerves

Now don't get me wrong I actually love my job and a lot of the people I work with. However it gets annoying going to work on someone else's schedule and having to do whatever they've assigned you to. It's stressful when machines stop functioning properly and you're in an area alone when there's supposed to be two of you, but the other person is having to fix stuff so you're having to keep things running on your own and when someone with an annoying voice keeps hollering... often when not necessary....

I love my job. I love the craziness of Pack Op, the job I was doing last night. I love the fast pace of packing. I love the chill of the Oven (hello, oxymoron!) I love the ease of the Tray Former. I love the mess of the Mixer (though I prefer not to mix). I HATE everything about running Box Machines (aka Box Erectors apparently... sorry you talk about erecting something my mind doesn't think boxes.. LOL.)

Even with as much as I love about my job when you're stressed because of work, and more so when you're stressed because of work and because of things outside of work like I'd been recently, it just makes going to work difficult. 

I went into work quite happy yesterday and by an hour into work I was upset (all work related), by first break I was done with the night, and by halfway through my 12 hour shift I was wanting to A. murder someone (3 guesses who!) and/or B. yell I quit as loud as possible, by time to go home... haha well lets just say everyone was a bit of a bitch last night.. it was just that bad. 

With the real world stress down in my life I should be able to better handle the work stress... here's hoping...     

Eminem - Love The Way You Lie ft. Rihanna

I love this song and I've been listening to it over and over for 2 or 3 days now. During one of these times it hit me just how true this song actually is to my most recent heartache, I mean not the whole song... Let me explain.

   "Just gonna stand there and watch me burn? That's alright because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and hear me cry? That's alright because I love the way you lie, love the way you lie.." 

Funny thing about music or really any art is that it can be taken differently by each person and can be changed by the same person for different situations. 

Here's the situation:  (forgive me I may not be able to fully describe any of this in a way that makes perfect sense)

   The guy sits back and watches as everything he's said and done causes the woman to fall for him, he knows perfectly good and well what he's done (matter a fact he's done this several times before) Now the guy never hears or sees her cry, but he knows it happens, he knows she cries over him. Even with her knowing he lies and even with her intuition telling her he's a no good piece of trash she's fallen for him its too late. Hurt after hurt. Lie after lie. Month after month. Chance after chance. She's learned the truth, she can see it even though she doesn't want to... Enough explaining.



Even knowing it was lies I loved the lies he fed me. They were beautiful, enchanting, they draw you in. That's how they do it, you know? They tell you ALL those beautiful hopes and dreams you've had about them, allow you to picture a future, get what they want, and ruin you all before they leave you. The lies were so attractive that you could say I liked the way it hurt to "burn" for him. They were so mesmerizing even crying and knowing the truth I couldn't stay away.

Not that I loved being lied to, but as I said the lies are beautiful. They get you to picture yourself in a happy relationship with them, living with them, sharing a life with them,...

So yes, I love the way he lied... because I loved the way it looked    

Love the Way You Lie

   This morning was the first morning in a while that I was able to smile, truly smile, no faking and no forcing. I feel happy again.
   It's because I know the truth. It's because I realized that I didn't love you. I loved the lie.  I loved the person you made me believe you were, but that ain't you.
   Start realizing the truth you love the lie not the reality.

You re No Good

Just in case you'd forgotten you're no good. Lord knows I won't forget and I pray she doesn't either.

I hope for the rest of your life that women see right through you and all your bullshit and that they'll never fall for it or you. No woman deserves that; not from you and not from any other man.

Fear

   As selfish as it sounds, after what I've been through, what I fear losing the most is myself.. again.
  I tend to lose myself in the person I like or love.
  I lost myself and made everything about my married name.
  I lived a life for 26 years to please everyone else. I was to scared to be me. I was scared to disappoint.

   I know what it's like to live selflessly. I know what it's like to not know who you really are. I know what it's like to feel alone. I know what it's like to fear to go against the grain...

  Oh, but once I did... such a freedom came from it. I lost a lot at first to find myself, but I gained so much more. I never want to lose myself again!

Not Overwhelmed Just Saddened

  Today I'm not finding myself overwhelmed with sorrow over who I lost. I came to the realization that losing someone that lies to you, manipulates you, someone who's capable of cheating and unfortunately much more (still very shocked and upset by learning this)... that loss is a gain.
   I find myself saddened at the lost potential, he did have potential. However someone like that won't change. Not until/unless they realize that they need the change and they must WANT (as in want it more than anything else) to change. That requires years upon years of therapy and no one should be with that person for a long time.
   I'm not saying I won't at some point find myself overwhelmed again. I can tell you if I do it will be at the lost possibilities, the missed good memories, the future I thought was possible,... Those kinds of things.
   I will miss looking into those eyes.

   But I will find better; much, much better. No lies, no games, no cheating, no manipulation, someone who will want me and only me, who will give me the title and attention I deserve, who will spoil me with affection,.... Someone like that who I feel a connection to has a hella love coming their way and I can't wait.  
                                                                               

Lazy Days

   There's nothing better than having a day with no plans and no expectations. The ability to sleep in, lounge around in pjs, watch tv, binge on snacks, and not give a damn about how I look. I can take a random nap or play video games. I can do everything or I can do nothing.

Today is my Lazy Sunday

Bonding Through Mutual Disdain

  You took from me

(BTW totally not the way I meant, but you still owe me $10 only I'm not really concerned about it because it went towards your son. However you need to know I remember things. I keep records. I keep evidence.) 

You lied to me. 

You did and said whatever you had to do to get what you wanted. 

And you're still trying to do all that just not with me. 

Now you're lying about me. 

Nice try.

     Funny enough after all you've done and continue to do you ended up unintentionally giving to me. Through all the drama you created you put two people on opposite sides together. We all knew if not for you we'd get along. Sure the friendship may blossom through a mutual disdain for you, but hey it's gotta start somewhere...
   A, Two Black Cadillacs, maybe? Lol. Tempting, but nah my kid needs me and so do yours. But damn what an idea.. A beautifully morbid idea lol. Anyways I'm enjoying talking to you and I'm here to listen if ever you need to rant or need someone to be there. You didn't deserve this and neither did I.

Miranda Lambert - White Liar

Now I'm not a liar so forgive that part of the song but this is the song that came to mind during a lovely conversation I've been having.

"Hey white liar, truth comes out a little at a time.."

I kept my promise, btw. No, technicalities needed.

I didn't have to become karma... karma kind of sought me out. I won't lie I'm happy about it. I mean I don't know what will come of it, but at least it's out there. Maybe one day I'll get it out there in a more broadscale, but for now this is enough.

It's sad you know.. he has such potential if he'd only learn not to be a pathological liar. Seriously darlin', go get therapy and figure out why you're such a liar and an awful human being.

It's Been 1 Week

It's been 1 week. 1... interesting week.
I've went from knowing what would happen but making my decision anyways,
 it happening, being pissed,
from wanting revenge and wanting to become Karma to deciding I'm better than that but will still do it if pushed,
from calling you every truthful harsh word I could think of to crying out of missing you and what could have been,
depression the whole time,...  It's been a bit of a rollercoaster and it's not over yet.
Time to be the phoenix again...

Phoenix

Today my tattoo has been a great reminder. 

I. Am. The. Phoenix.

Life has torn me down and broken me and each time I've risen from the ashes. 

I may be down, but I won't stay there. 

I. Will. Rise.

First Call In

I called in to work today, first time for this job. That's over 120 days that I didn't call in.
My last job was over a year; didn't matter if I had a fever, migraine, upset stomach, or whatever I went to work. First time I called off there I had recently gotten separated and I was unable to part from the toilet because I was to busy puking up all the acid my body created from being so nervous and upset about all the changes.
So what was the reason for my call in today? Simple. I needed a personal day. I need the time alone. I need to "lick my wounds" before I have to deal with the long weekend and all the people in it. I need to just be able to sit, relax, do whatever I want without the stress of a schedule. So I guess you could say I took a mental health day.
Honestly everyone could use more mental health days. We work too hard with really no life to show for it. It's not good for us, yet someone got greedy along the way and that shit spread like wild fire. Now we all work until we're miserable and then keep working past that point. Such a pathetic world we live in....

Just the Way I'm Programmed

Do me right I'll blog about you sweetly. 

Do me wrong I'll run you through the mud for months or maybe even years. You may not see the scars you've given me, but you'll sure the hell hear about them. 

Maybe one day all my post will be happy and cheery speaking of how great the love of my life is and how awesome my life is because of him. However that isn't going to be today, not tomorrow, not next week, probably not next month, and hell with my luck I'll be lucky if its even next year, but one day... one day I'll be that cheery loving self I can be. Just waiting on a good man to give me a reason. 

Don't get me wrong for a while I can be happy without a man and without that love, but it only lasts for a short time because deep down I know something is missing.. 

It's just the way I'm programmed.  

My Pattern, My Type

So apparently I have a pattern of liking guys who are hung up on their ex's.

Note to self: They all go back to their ex's.

I'm trying to decide why this is. Why are these the guys I find myself most attracted to? My best guess, its because I can tell that they actually care about women.

However duh heart and brain it's not that they care about women they care about THAT particular woman. Most of the time said woman isn't even worth it. Most of the time I've even heard them bitch about how awful said woman is and yet they still go back. Have fun with that misery. 

My intuition almost always has been right. 

I knew the first one was still hung up on his ex. He lied quite a few times. 

I knew the second one would go back to his ex for the like millionth time. He promised he was done and lied several, S.E.V.E.R.A.L. times.

Then the guy I like went back to his ex and I knew he would. He however never said anything more than my telling him I liked him was bad timing and that he was confused. Thank you for that. Thank you for a simple honest answer. You never led me on or made me believe that something else would come of it; the others did no matter how much the second one would like to lie and say he didn't.

The first two it's like they hope if they say the lie enough that you'll just believe it. Sorry darlin' I don't work that way. I "play back" the conversations, I can still "reread" the notes (even without having them), I can reread the text and snaps, I can "relive" the moments and trust me they all prove you lied.  

I can blame only you for your actions. 

I can blame only me for my pattern. 

*Insert brown brick wall 

with "Fuck You" graffiti on it directly in the middle* 

That's the wall I keep running into no matter what choice I make or what direction I take.  

Gonna Run This Place

They've taught me almost every position at work. Not many left to go. What's next? 😂

0 Fucks Given

That's my feeling on last night and this morning, hell this entire day and currently my life. 

Aren't I cheery? 

...Sorry, it'll pass eventually. 

Regret

You once said, "Never regret anything because at that time it was exactly what you wanted", but you're wrong. No, not wrong about it being what was wanted, but a person should always have regrets. If we don't regret things then we'll keep making the same stupid mistakes over and over because regretting the mistake is what makes us change our course.
You know the kinds of people who don't have regrets? Psychopaths. A psychopath can kill and kill and kill. Why? Because they have no remorse aka regrets.
Still think no regrets is a good thing? Learn to regret something. Change your course.

Alone

  The word alone can give two different feelings depending on where you are in your life. If you're like me and you're depressed and it's from love and if you also deal with depression like me you receive both feelings when the word alone comes to mind.
   Feeling one is peace. You long for the quietness of your own home away from the hustle and bustle of it all, including your friends though you love them so. You crave that space where you don't have to do anything or be anyone, no expectations, no people feeling sorry for you, just you being you and for lack of better term licking your wounds.
   Feeling two is pain. As much as you crave that alone time you also crave that time with the person you're longing for. You want to be alone, but alone with them. Being around people is a cruel reminder that you can't be around the one person you want most. Being away from home takes all your strength And sadly you find yourself crying while out be it at work, the grocery store, McDonald's drive-thru, or wherever because you've hit your breaking point.
  They say, "Alone doesn't mean lonely." and that can be very true. However I'm currently alone and very lonely.
  This is the time I pull away from everyone; friends, family, co-workers, you name it. I pull away because I can't handle it. I can't handle being around people. I can't handle my emotions. I can't handle the pain. Please don't think I don't love them I know they only wish to help, however I long for the quiet, dark nothingness...  

When I'm With Him I Am Thinking Of You

  I can honestly say I know what Katy Perry was saying in Thinking Of You. 

"'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you, thinking of you 

what you would do if you were the one who was spending the night 

oh I wish that I was looking into your eyes, looking into your eyes..."

   It's not that you were the best I'd ever had. It's not that you were the best looking I'd ever had. However with you though something was missing slightly it wasn't the important things like my feelings for you. What was missing with you was the time, the comfort in knowing what you wanted and liked most, getting used to the uh... difference between you and the ones before you (which you know what those differences are because we had this conversation) and if those differences changed any uh.. preferences, getting over the intimidation of you.. yes I find you intimidating because of the differences,... point being anything we were missing in that area can be fixed in time with communication, trial and error, etc. 

  Being with someone else only makes me think of you. Wonder what things could have been like, if things could have worked out, etc. It makes me miss looking into your eyes, miss the way you picked me up, miss the way that I never questioned being with you.. it was easy to say yes. 

   I would say, "Oh well.." However I don't feel oh well-ish about it. 

What's The Point?

   At one point the whole F.W.B. didn't bother me. You get what you need and they get what they need.
   However when you find someone you want to be with it makes being with anyone else seem dull. I mean grant it the two guys I'd fell for since my separation... Well sex wasn't mind blowing with either of them, but it wasn't about that, it was about being with someone you truly care about.
   No, I'm not one of those people who thinks having sex with someone will make them love you. That's just stupid. I had sex because I wanted it, that simple. But now even if I want it it's not from the right person. Nothing against my friend it's just... missing something.
   It's missing that connection, its missing those feelings, its missing that well I don't know what all it's missing but who the hell cares I know it's missing whatever it is... maybe it's love. But it's missing.
   So what's the point? If it's missing something which makes it less enjoyable what's the point? Why not just give up and go without? That's probably exactly what I'll do... because honestly what's the point?...

It's The Little Things...

Funny moment: Found out today that my friend knows the girlfriend of the guy I fell for and that about a month ago said girlfriend was trying to get with this friend, sending him topless pics, and such. Hearing my friend's story on it and his opinion of her was funny. And no, I didn't ask his opinion of her he gave it freely in his hilariously blunt this is the way it is way. 

It's the little things...

And note I didn't once tear her down. It was his opinion I found hilarious. I have no need to tear her down to feel better about myself. 

Your Insecurity Is Showing

   Putting others down to make yourself look better is not an attractive quality.

   I've dealt with people like this all my life and all you've done is prove you're insecure and make yourself look ugly inside and out. A bad attitude and tearing others down can make the most beautiful person unattractive. Example: I went to church with this guy. He's probably 3-5 years older than me. Brunette, brown eyes, muscles, country boy, very good looking, popular, talented musician, etc. However he was full of himself, heartbreaker, etc. and after realizing all that he no longer seemed attractive. Had his looks actually changed? No, but his attitude and ego was ugly.
   I've had several women feel the need to build themselves up by putting me down, hunny, that's your insecurities showing. If you have to say, "I'm prettier than her" (or anything anywhere near similar) you must be some kind of insecure. Like it or not many men (and women) find me attractive and you saying you're prettier won't make one damn bit of a difference. It won't sway his opinion of me. It won't sway my opinion of me. And your opinion doesn't matter.  

I'm Looking For Love

   There's clearly no questioning I'm looking for love. I'm looking for a relationship. I'm looking for someone to grow with, someone to be faithful to, someone to call my own, someone to spoil with my love and affection. I'm looking for something real not these "new age" relationships with their "love" I don't want to hear any of this, "you just don't understand our love" bullshit.
   Love is faithful, loyal, it's a feeling and actions, it's a connection, it's despite their faults and flaws,... it is unconditional.
   Love is not blind, that is infatuation. And love is not a critic. If I tell you I love you I'm saying I see you, I see your faults and flaws and even things that I may hate, but despite that I care about you and want to be with you, I feel a connection to you, etc.
 I'm looking for love. I'm looking for that connection. I'm looking for that feeling of "home" in you. I'm looking for someone that makes me feel safe, loved, cherished, nearly perfect despite my imperfections. I'm looking for someone I can trust not just with them telling me the truth, but someone I can trust with my heart, my life, and my son.
   I don't know where you are, my love. Maybe I haven't met you yet or maybe I have and you're just a damn idiot who's standing in the way of our happiness. Who knows. However despite who you are or where you are I hope we can find each other soon. I hate that you aren't here to love.

Listening To Your Head VS Your Heart

   The heart is a funny thing. Even broken and hung up on someone you can find yourself interested in another. I'm clearly broken and hung up so I know what I'm talking about. So in my case I was interested in this person before all this other shit happened. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being interested in someone else even in this state, so long as you're single.
   If you aren't single and you find yourself interested in another you really need to question your relationship because clearly something is missing.
   The last relationship or "relationship" didn't work for a reason doesn't even matter what the reason was... the heart wants what the heart wants, but sometimes you have to go with your head and try something or in this case someone new. Just because we want something and we want it to work doesn't mean it's what's best for us, often times the head knows the truth, but the heart is too ignorant.
   Love isn't always enough. That was not a fun lesson to learn. I have loved and been tossed out like garbage multiple times and for that reason I find it hard to tell someone I love them.
   Recently I was told if I would have said how I felt things may be different, but we both know better, you continue to make the same choice no matter how bad a decision it is. So I love you, but I don't believe you. If it was going to make a difference than it would have made a difference when I told you. It's ok, it'll be ok. I'll survive. I know you think you're some survivor, but you aren't. Surviving is making the fucking hard decisions, surviving is dealing with the pain, dealing with the loneliness, dealing with the change, even getting loose PERMANENTLY from someone you love... someone recently said, talking about you, that "he has no backbone" and it's true otherwise you would have done the right thing by now. They also said, "He's so full of life" Which is extremely true and attractive so fucking attractive, but they continued by saying, "but she drains the life right out of him." Also undeniably true I've seen it. When you two are a couple you look exhausted and drained. Everyone hear me. No one, NO ONE should be with someone that drains the life from them. The person you love is supposed to be your strength, you were mine. I know at least at some points I was yours. I remember you saying, "You make me feel important." I remember feeling sorry for you because how could you be with someone who doesn't make you feel important? Anyways, I make you feel important. Why? Because to me you are important, that simple. Did you have to buy me anything? No, you hadn't bought me a damn thing and I was fine with that. Did we have to have sex? No, we hadn't at this point. Did you have to spend every moment with me? Nope. Did you even give me the girlfriend status? No. Still you were important to me because of the way I feel about you not because of what you can give me, do for me, buy me, etc. You should also know that during the time we talked even though I had a FWB I wasn't with him (I, however, sometimes made it sound like I was to make you jealous... and I know it worked), only once you went back to her did I do anything with him. Without title, without commitment, without a damn thing I was yours, only yours, because that's who I am. I am loyal and faithful to the one I care about. Why am I saying this? Hell if I know! Because I know it won't change a damn thing, but I guess I just need to say it.
   You know if you care about someone friend, family member, or whatever you should want them to be with someone who'll actually be faithful and love them right. Don't sit back and cheer over a fucked up relationship, if it's on again off again relationship someone needs to Gorilla glue, duct tape, weld, etc that fucking on off switch to permanently off. If you think that's a good relationship, baby, I feel sorry for you because you've clearly never known real love.

Oh I NEED to stop ranting right now. 

   My whole point is get away from people and even things that you may love, but that aren't good for you. Will it hurt to do so? Yeah, of course, it's going to be a pain like no other; it could have you up all night and puking up acids from all the stress and being upset.. Been there, done that, but I'm better for it. Don't be afraid to lose someone that's no good for you. Be afraid to never find and experience the person who will love you and only you with a true and unconditional love.

  

Best, Not Easiest, BEST

   I was asked about you today. I called you a jackass, the bane of my existence, liar, etc. Apparently that was intriguing because later I was asked to tell the story and so I did in little, but not too little, detail. I am nothing if not an open book. I was truthful and spoke harsh yet true words. 

   After some time passed I said, "I hope you don't think less of me." As tears began to fill my eyes I continued, "I don't like speaking badly of him. I care about him, but I'm not blind to who he is. I love him, he hurt me, and I'm very depressed about it." I could tell my tears made her uncomfortable and that she immediately regretted asking because she couldn't even look at me. Looking down she said, "Don't let it upset you. It'll be okay." 

She, like I and everyone else I've talked about this with, mainly our mutual friends, cannot understand why you make the choices you make. 

Are you truly so blind to what it's supposed to look like that you'll continue to call that what it isn't? Are all those "closest to you" also so blind? Together you made a gift, a beautiful gift, but that doesn't make it more than it is. You can't be off and on, cheating, talking to other people and telling them things and then go back and say it's love because love doesn't do that. With time things change, people change, we grow apart, we fall out of love (one or both partners), etc. 

Often times we stay out of habit, comfort, convenience and we call it something else, we call it love. 

To often we view our own lives and the misfortunes and we want better for our kids, "I came from a broken home. I don't want that for my kid." Trust me, I know, as someone who's parents divorced and I had to deal with step parents and step siblings I get it. Broken homes can be blessings in disguise, if done correctly by each parent. A child who once had 2 parents to love them now has 4 and that as hard as it may be to see is a blessing. More love for your child is always a blessing even if it comes at some discomfort to you. I love my parents and I hated my step parents at first, but now I have a love and a respect for them. Did they always do everything right? No, but neither did my parents and neither do we as parents. We do the best we can and sometimes what is best for us and our kid(s) is the fucking hardest thing in the world to do, something I also know far to well. 

Do you know when I was getting separated from my now ex-husband that the night before we moved I was having panic attacks? Yes, plural. Not because I wanted to be with my husband, no, I hated him, but because I was terrified of the changes, I was terrified to let go of my comfort, my convenience, my normal, my habits, I was scared to be alone, I was scared I couldn't provide, I was scared of the unknown, etc. 

I spent the first couple weeks crying in my apartment, for probably a month I was so upset I had acid reflux and was puking up acid. Wake up, puke, go to sleep, wake back up puke, go to work, come "home", cry, go to sleep and do it all over again. It was miserable, but necessary. I'm happier than I've ever been, for the majority of the "areas" in my life (a couple need work), because I was willing to do the fucking hardest thing of all, change and leave behind all I've known for years, 7 years. It came at a cost, but after 5 years of being utterly miserable I was willing to pay it. All the tears, all the acid reflux and puking, all the fear, all the doubt,... all of it made me stronger. I'd do it again in a heartbeat because it's what was best, not easiest, best.        

It'd Be Too Easy

   Believe me when I say I could take you down even with the promise in place. Technicalities are a bitch and so am I.   Matter a fact I had it all planned out. It had a few steps to it like all great plans.
   I would have loved every second and had I been feeling better it would have already been carried out. Instead I chose sleep.
   However given some time I realized teaching you a lesson would make me no better than you.
   Now don't go pushing your luck it will still work later if you choose to piss me off. When I tell you I'm on the edge and hanging by a thread... don't test me. My character may be the pushover but when I've had enough and trust me I have.... 😊😚
   Now don't get me wrong I fully believe you deserve what you had coming to you, but rather than me becoming karma, I'll just let karma do her thing. After all she's a bitch too. You do deserve whatever you have coming to you.
   If you think I believe the things you say you're wrong. Your actions have always proven you lie sad part is I'm not even sure you know you're doing it or maybe that's what you want people to believe. Either way though you are lying and it is wrong.
Someone needs to put some Veritaserum in your drink. If anyone doesn't know what that is we can't be friends.

Meaningless

   There are some people that feel like life has no purpose or meaning unless they have a man/woman to love. Over the years I've come to realize I'm one of those people.
   Currently life is mundane. I work, sleep and repeat. I work to have a life that I never have the time or energy to have. Not to mention it isn't fun doing things alone. I'm to socially awkward for that. Guess I'll have to find a way around that.
   I want a vacation. A week long vacation out of this state. Somewhere I haven't been before preferably. Maybe New York, Arizona, Maine, or California... plenty of other options too. Either way I need away from all the reminders.
   My own town has been ruined with memories of jackasses. I love this town so I'll never move, but some places will cause pain from time to time. It won't all be because of one person not sure if that makes it better or worse.. or really if it matters at all.
  “'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” Sometimes I highly doubt that, but I know in the end that it's true. However it hurts like hell and also true is "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"

Lying Wasn't Necessary

Apparently you're unaware but lying wasn't necessary. All you had to do was say what you really wanted. After all I do that for me not you.
Took years for me to understand people who are ok with open relationships but I finally got it... they just got tired of being fucked over so just be with someone you know you can't have.
It's easier to be with someone I won't have a relationship with anyways. No need to worry about what they think of me or how they feel.

If the shoe fits, lace that bitch up and wear it. After all this post is fitting for at least a few people in my life.

I Knew It

I knew you'd do this, Jackass. Don't want to be described as the bad guy then stop acting like one.

Yes, I know exactly what you did and how you lied. "Gotta do what's best for my family" my ass!

Ain't That A Bitch

   Suppressed feelings. They come out of nowhere. Nothing needs to happen, no words need to be said they just pop up out of the blue. They make you feel bipolar because one day you're fine and the next you're bawling like it just happened.
   I was hanging out with a friend yesterday and I was fine, I'd been fine for days, but after he left it hit. I was suddenly overwhelmed with my brokenness. I sat in my bed and wept while I text my friend about it. I didn't fully realize what all was bothering me for a couple hours. I was dealing with not only the brokenness from when it first occurred, but also suppressed feelings about things I thought I was over. Cue more tears.
   I've said it a million times I don't believe you honestly get over loving someone. It doesn't matter how you've been treated, how long its been, how over it you think you are... that love will be there its just suppressed. All you've done is learn to live without them, all you've done is learned to move on because that's what was best. But some day out of nowhere something will happen and it will hurt all over again for a little while. When the memories come flooding in send a little love towards that memory, that person, and what was and then move on to the next thing because nothing hurts more than dwelling on what could have been, should have been, etc. I broke my own heart dwelling on that for months with the first guy that broke me.
   Yes, I mean he broke me. I've never been the same since and in a lot of ways that's a good thing so I have to thank him for that, but I'm still broke. Then I got broke again.
   There's no way to fully describe what it feels like to be broken this way... it's more than a heartache or heart break, it's so much more. It's like you're missing a piece of yourself. Like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and its off with that person; or in my current case it's like its been ripped out, torn in half, because the first guy took half and the second took what I had left to give, a half. It's uncontrollable tears. It's a constant ache for what you'd hoped would come to pass. It's a nausea that just won't pass. It's the loneliness in a crowd. It's the deafening silence when you're home alone. It's having a craving that you just can't quench. It's maddening. The first time it happened it damn near killed me and I mean that. I was so depressed that I wanted to die.
   Love is my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. If I love you than you are my strength, but when it falls apart so do I. I always come back stronger once I figure out how to put myself back together, but it comes at a price. I survive it's what I do, but it all has such a steep price. I lose a piece of myself each time. I suddenly end up doing things I never thought I would and in all honesty I end up not caring no matter how bad whatever I did is. I'm not sure I could handle another person breaking me in this way, but I fear a life where I don't have a man to love and call my own. The pain has to balance out... eventually....

Best Thing I Never Had

   Today I must thank you with a truly grateful and happy heart, no lies straight up smile on my face. If you don't believe me ask our mutual friend, Raegan.
I have to thank you for blowing what could have been the best thing you'd ever have in your life.
I have to thank you for never giving me the title girlfriend, for never making me yours.
I have to thank you for showing your ass.
I have to thank you for the lesson.
   You see the truth ALWAYS comes out. I've been told some information; that I wasn't looking for because honestly at this point I don't care, you proved who you are so it was no surprise. As time goes by I just find out more and more about you. You aren't who I thought, but that's what you wanted, I ignored my intuition that told me you were trash and that's my fault.

"So when I think of the time that I almost loved you

You showed your ass and I, I saw the real you

Thank God you blew it

Thank God I dodged the bullet

I'm so over you

So baby good lookin' out

I wanted you bad

I'm so through with that

'Cause honestly you turned out to be the

Best thing I never had

You turned out to be the

Best thing I never had

And I'm gon' always be the best thing you never had"

   You never deserved me. You never deserved any of me. I gave you more than you ever should have got and that's my fault, but I'm SOOO glad you never got the full experience of being with me. You never experience the me that was 100% yours in any way, shape or form because that's reserved for people who care about me and respect me enough to give me the title and the faithfulness. So trust me if you think you know me, you know nothing.
  Because you blew it I can give myself to someone who actually deserves me. I have a lot of love to give and I can't wait to give it to whomever this person happens to be.

Yeah, that so the theme song for this whole situation with you lol

"Hey, I like you"

   How do you even go about telling someone you like them? The last time it was easy because he made it very clear that he liked me so there was no fear of rejection (boy did I have that somewhat wrong. Oh well his loss.) I'm socially awkward and even more so around someone I like. My face does this 50 shades of red thing, I talk really quiet, I feel dumb, and even become a bit dumb and overthink every dumb thing I've said or done, etc.
   How does someone like me waltz up to someone they like and just say, "Hey, I like you." I mean is that all I say or do I need to be all, "Hey, I like you and I'd like to get to know you better." or do I go into like a whole speech of, "Hey, I like you and if you'd be up for it I'd like to get to know you. You don't have to answer right now you can think it over and let me know if you need to..." As I said I'm socially awkward.
  I think he's proven that he likes me. Coming over and talking to me almost every time he passes, helping me out on my line, staring at me, telling me things that weren't necessary to tell me unless I was his girlfriend like how an ex had contacted him.
   However after the recent traumas of my love life I'm afraid to read to much into anything. Somewhere in the back of my head is this maybe it doesn't mean what you think it does, what if he's doing this just to use you, etc. constant questioning. I've kind of lost my faith in men at this point. I know good ones are still out there.. I'm just afraid I won't find one or that I'll be going through guys one dumbass at a time for a long time before I find one that I feel a connection with.
   I really wish he'd just come out and say, "Hey, I like you" (if that's the case) or even just simply asking me on a date... God that word terrifies me. I immediately go into where would we go? What should I wear? All in panic mode. Why oh why am I such an anxious person?!
   I remember this movie, We Bought A Zoo, and the dad says, "You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."
It's such a great quote and I know that sometimes it's true. But I'm afraid of what if it's not? Can I handle being rejected again? Can I handle another broken heart? Do I even have any more tears to cry over guys or would another heartbreak just send me to Crazytown? How would I go about handling seeing him at work after being rejected?  Every time I've gotten that 20 seconds of courage I've been at home, but I don't want to send it on Facebook Messenger or Tweet him and I don't have his phone number... even then a text somehow seems inappropriate so that leaves telling him in person and the only place I see him is at work. He doesn't typically stick around after work and he doesn't come in early so that leaves saying something during work... like either in the middle of working or on break. I have got to figure this out.. last thing I want to do is lose out on someone who's potentially great because I was a coward....

My New Tattoos

  I got my ink therapy. My 6 hours. No I did not tapout. However I did find the pain in a tattoo for once. Lol.
   I'm so glad I allowed Jake to do my tattoos! I'm positive the others would have done a great job as well but I enjoyed giving someone a chance who hasn't been at it as long. Everyone has to start somewhere. And before anyone freaks out yes I checked out his work before I said yes to him doing my tattoos. I may be new to getting tattoos but I'm not a complete idiot. He did a fantastic job. He's one extremely talented artist, tattoos and otherwise.

 My phoenix. A rebirth and rising from the ashes. After the heartaches and rising up from those and the epic transformation I've made in my life the phoenix was only appropriate.

Alright so my big tattoo, my tiger. According to a quiz my spirit animal is a tiger. No, the quiz isn't why I got the tattoo. I've always loved cats, doesn't matter if they're house cats or "big" cats. Tigers...I don't know there's something about them they're deadly and just as gorgeous. I swear I'd own one if I could, currently I can't even have a house cat. So I went looking at tiger tattoos and I saw lots that I love and will probably eventually get, but this one I fell in love with. This tattoo hurt, but from all that pain came beauty.

  I love my tattoos. Even after people have asked why I'd ruin my beautiful body with them. I'm sorry you feel that way but to me it just adds to the beauty and it tells a story all my own. You don't have to like them, I do. 

Taking Back My Bed

  So I haven't been sleeping in my bed. It was too painful because of the memories. It was too hard laying in my bed knowing I was making plans with someone while laying in my bed and that he just changed his mind and those plans would never become a reality. So instead of face the loneliness I slept on my sofa where I could fall asleep to the tv.
   However my bed is pretty comfy. And that guy.. Well he's a liar and he doesn't deserve me. I'll find someone who believes in being honest, treating women right, and only being with one woman. And someone who will respect me and care about me enough to give me that title!
   So tonight I take my bed back. Tonight I don't worry about broken plans and shitty guys. Tonight I lay in my comfy bed and hope for a guy that's willing to treat me right. Tonight I think about a brighter future for my love life...

It's Not That Difficult

It's funny how something that isn't even difficult can seem so overwhelming. Example: I was training on mixer for 2 days over the weekend. Came back did Oven Racker. Then today when I was supposed to be training on oven I got thrown into mixing alone because someone called in. I had expected to be on oven training and then suddenly I was mixing ALONE. Panic set in. No mixing isn't hard, but it's wasn't planned and I'm still not 100% comfortable with everything. Still I'm mixing alone. I'd say I'm doing quite well for having been so anxious and overwhelmed.

My Decision

   You made your decision.. now I've made mine. It wasn't an easy decision to make. However after my like months worth of blogging therapy (that didn't take a month to complete), your decision, some realization, and remembering how you've made me feel I know what I have to do.

   Did/do I love you, yes. Did/do I wish things turned out differently, yes. Did/do I wish you were a better man, yes. But all my hopes, wishing, dreams, etc. won't change that fact that it is what it is because of the decisions you've made. 

   You see one of my realizations is that the above song fits you damn near perfectly. You seem to find it impossible to open your mouth without lying and I for one HATE lies. You've lied to me, you've lied to her, you've lied to friends,... it's pathetic.

So I have to say goodbye.

   I have no regrets you were just another tough lesson in life. You and the one before you are the reason Meghan Trainor's "Title" will be like my new motto.

   Part of me was feeling like I was betraying you and even myself by liking someone, that for the record I liked before all this but I'd stopped thinking about it the second we started talking because that's the kind of woman I am, but it's not a betrayal to either of us because you made your choice and now I need to find someone who knows how to treat a woman right. There's a chance the guy I like may not be interested in me, but someone will be and they'll treat me better than you did.. that won't be hard to do.

   I hope you have a great life, I really do, but if you stay on your current path I can promise you that you won't. Which is something you should have easily figured out on your own by now. You know I didn't ask for much, I wanted the title and your time. I wasn't asking to move in, I wasn't asking to get married. I just wanted to be yours, I wanted years with you, I wanted to grow with you,.. for most people having someone who truly cares and really wants those things.. damn that's a dream come true, but apparently you enjoy misery. Do yourself a favor pick another path before its to late. Pick another path so that you can have a great life. No one deserves to live in misery.

NO MORE WITHOUT THE TITLE